not-so-super-superman

sometimes unrequited love is the best kind.
maybe it's better to stare at the back of his head in french class or memorize every detail in his face when he's not looking.
maybe it's better to notice the little things about a person and not have to deal with the drama of it all.
just to sit and observe.
it's kinda exhilarating.

besides, it's when they start staring back that things get complicated.
then you have to deal with the talking, dating, awkwardness, etc.
and then the small observations go away.
the little things go unnoticed.
and we start forgetting why we were even attracted to this person in the first place.
forgetting why we were drawn to them.
why we started caring in the first place.

i'm not sure exactly where this came from.
maybe because today i found out that our stock market pretty much crashed again, and we should be entering another depression.
and as freaked out about this as i am, i'm more scared of the fact that the one person who i had to calm me down when i am this freaked out is gone.
gone.
and he isn't coming back.
he's done with me.
he's moved on.
and i guess i should too.

the sad part is that i thought i already had.

in the process of rebuilding,
tay

first day back!

first day of school time! and ya know what that means. time to break out the book covers and shove a bunch of papers in your parents face for them to sign. but unlike most people, i actually choose to enjoy the first day of school. it's the only time most teachers are nice and most of the time, the only homework given is easy. unfortunately for me, i'm starting my sophmore year. those of you who either went through this 'special' year of high school or are suffering through it now, i sympathize. along with the mountains of homework we got over the summer, we've already been given papers complete with due dates and study material for tests. two of which i have tomorrow.

but, i'm choosing to keep a smile on my face and an organizer at hand. i'm aiming to beat procrastination and get things done... as soon as i'm done posting this.

before i go though, i'll give you a quick run-down of my day.

first peroid i've got a pretty cool teacher for american history and a couple good friends to enjoy it with. seems like i'll start with a positive class. second period i've got bio. honors bio. i've heard horror stories about this class, but so far i'm liking it. it's just a lot of work. third period study hall with a woman with a pole shoved up her butt side-ways. fourth period honors algebra II. woman's kinda rough around the edges, but i think i'll get by. fifth and sixth i've got band. seventh i've got lunch. eighth i've got honors french III with a new transfer teacher who i was kinda worried about, but she turned out to be pretty cool. very lively. and ninth period i've got honors english 10 with a really cool teacher. the past two years i've had horrible english teachers and it's nice to have my favorite subject back.

well, it's time for homework! 

talk to ya tomorrow!

loving dead,

tay

a new start

so guess what? i officially auditioned for beauty and the beast yesterday. and now, after saying that, i'm done talking about it. the audition went well, that's all i'm saying. :X

alright, so how about an update? let's start with the fact that school starts on thursday. and i haven't finished my bio paper yet. one more page, which is so much more than most of my friends have, so at least i know i'm winning! lol. i'll probably finish that today though and then edit it tomorrow and the day after so that it's ready.

and i'm also going to BRIEFLY touch on guys for just a minute. i officially ended things with this guy i've been seeing. it wasn't working. mostly because he was going off to collage in september and he was still in love with his ex. yeah. and i couldn't take being that girl. i still kinda miss him, but we still talk sometimes, so that's nice i guess. but i'm happy where i am right now. for once.

well... that's pretty much all i can think of right now.

OH other than the fact that i get to go back to my old junior high b/c my brother's officially going there in TWO DAYS!!! i loved it there and we're going to go and figure out his locker and stuff. should be fun! especially if i get to see any old teachers! :P

well, i'm going to go flat-iron my hair before people choose to finally wake up.

chao for now!

dancing around in a mask,

tay

boring post, but it's better then nothing.

so FORGET my last post.
it NEVER happened.
plus i kinda want him to end up with my best friend anyway.
i think i was just really surprised to find such a great guy and i really wanted him to end up with one of us, so, because he had been rejected, i started to want him for myself...
BUT he and i are better as friends (story of my life), especially after everything, so that's that.

alright well i just wanted to say just how much i miss my school life.
really.
i miss all of my friends, especially all of the tribe members, and i really wish that we could have another party sometime soon, but even then half of the guys don't show up.
makes me sad.
i might see a couple of them tomorrow, but it's not the same.

*deep sigh*
but other then that, i'm pretty happy.
we're back from chicago, which i will fill you all in on later when i feel up to it.
but right now i'm kinda hungry so i'm going to go get some food before bed.

g'night all!

not really up to overthinking things right now,

tay

dreams.

so...
*cough*
i've kinda...
got news.
not big news, mind you, just...
well, i don't really know what to think.
see, i had this dream last night and it's kinda went along with stuff i've been feeling lately.
it was pretty scary, actually.
i don't remember specifically what was scary, but i do remember being scared.
but then one of my friends (i've been talking to him a lot lately) shows up...
and he holds my hand.
and i start to feel safe.
for the first time, i feel safe.
...
and i also feel this shock that runs through my body and my heart feels like it skipped a beat.
...
so...
yeah.
he kinda goes to a different school.
he's a year older than me.
he plays guitar.
yeah.
and i kinda might have a bit (only a bit) of a crush on him.
MAYBE.
i still haven't figured it out yet.

so that was just something that i had to get off of my chest.
i haven't told anyone yet, so shhhh...

feeling a litle odd about this whole thing,
tay

average...

so today i saw momma mia..
and i thought it was good...
but mostly because i tend to like musicals (excluding high school musical).
the acting wasn't impressive, but the overall outlook was pretty cool.
plus i love greece, so it was kinda up my ally.

anyway, so i saw it with my two best friends and then we hung out in the mall for a little bit.
i LOVE hanging out with them.
it's like i'm back home, at school, when even though i feel like i'm drowning, i know that they'll keep me from anything too traumatizing.
and then we went back to one of their houses and worked on what we were going to use to audition for beauty and the beast.
it was overall the highlight of my day.
aside from working on bio homework, lol.

having a pretty average day,
tay

winter please come!

*groans*
i miss winter sooooooo much.
or even late fall.
i'll take either.
is this weird or what, but i've been taking cold showers (which feel amazing btw) just to remember feeling cold.
i miss sweatshirts and the ability to bury myself inside one to escape all of the things in my life i don't wanna deal with.
i miss scarves and boots and i even miss snow, even though i hate the stuff.
i miss christmas too.
the carols, the countdown calenders, the decorations...
*groans again*
have i mentioned just how much i HATE summer???

it's way too hot outside, my father often refuses to turn on the air conditioning and decides to open up all the windows to the heat instead, i miss all of my friends who i saw every day and don't anymore, i'm not at home b/c i'm not at school, and i never laugh as much in the summer.
i love my family, don't get me wrong, but i feel at home at school.
it feels like i know so much more about that place and the people i'm around there than i do here...

so yeah.
i now turn my fan up full blast and take cold showers before bed just so that i can get that affect.
i don't think marching season could come fast enough.

wishing jack frost would nip at her nose,
tay

interesting stuff... NOT

so today was actually a good day!
besides having an annoying dentist appointment, i got to hang out in the band room for an hour, hangout with my two best friends all day, and NOT have to do homework!
lol.
i really like the homework actually (please don't be cruel), so i'm happy that i get to work on it tomorrow.

so yeah.
no cavities, but unfortunately i was criticized about my lack of flossing.
so along with fixing my posture, i really wanna start remembering to floss.

wow, this seems like a really boring post, talking about dentist appointments and non-eventful hanging out, so i'm going to go back to my grey's anatomy and stop boring all of you.

just remember, it's either this boring catch up stuff, or ranting about my love life.
until something interesting happens, my future posts might be more like this.
*shrugs*
but whatever.

waiting to see mcdreamy again,
tay

finally stopping this stupid ranting

so i'm done venting.
i'm done talking about him.
i'm just done.

i felt (and still feel) like i was a patient at a hospital, too weak to move.
laying on a bed, light blue sheets pulled up to my chest, my head turned to the left as my eyes slowly open and conciousness floods my mind.
my head's too weak to even turn.
i glance down to see the tubes coming out of my arms... i can feel them coming out of my nose...
i shut my eyes as i try to move the discomfort out of my mind.
opening them and taking in the dark figure sitting in the corner is the only thing that works.
it's a boy...
no.
it's a man.
and he's sitting at a table.
there's a mirror on the wall for some reason.
and he's staring into it.
he hasn't even noticed that i'm awake.
it doesn't even look like he knows i'm in the room.
but yet he's in the room.
why?
i want to speak aloud, but i don't think i can.
tears want to flood my eyes, but i can't even do that.
i can't even cry.
all i can do is shut my eyes and pretend that i'm alone.
because i mine-as-well be.

and that's how i'm feeling.
alone.
scared.
and forgotten.

it feels like bruses are covering my body.

but i'm sick of talking about it.
i'm sick of talking about NOTHING but HIM on this site.
this is MY blog not HIS.
and it seems that there's more about him on here then me!!!

so lets start over.
the rule about no relationship talk is back.

well, lets see.
i woke up and immediately started working on my bio homework (because our teacher gave us a bucket load of it over the summer).
then i decided to procrastinate it until eight tonight, when i worked on it more for an hour and a half.
believe me, i like bio.
i do.
more than i thought i would, but i guess it's good that at least this class i'll enjoy.
unless my new english teacher is better than my last one, i can't see liking english again.
however, we were forced to read a pretty interesting book this summer.
it's called 1984.
and even though the beginning is slow, i actually enjoyed reading the end.
it's medamorphosis that i'm NOT looking forward to reading.
i mean, who cares about a guy who wakes up and becomes a giant COCKROACH?
seriously?!
but at least it's oober short and i should have it done in a couple of hours at the most.

so yeah, i'm actually happy about being in bio (i'm sure THAT opinion will change) and i'm oober happy that i'm happy about being in bio b/c i've finally made a huge life-choice decision!!!
i'm going to become a pediatrition!!!
yey!!!
it seems that all these years i've THOUGHT i was scared of blood and stuff, but i'm really not. i just said that b/c everyone else was scared.
but i've worked with my blood and other people's blood before and not batted an eyelash.
so yeah.
that, plus the fact that i really really really feel like i'm ment to work with children made me make my final decision.
so yeah.
yey for me!
i guess it's also a plus that i THINK i might be good at bio.
>.<

that's right.
i DO have a life other than my pathetic love life.
it's just that whenever i get a chance to get on here, it's at night.
and at night, i tend to dwell on the stressfull stuff.
and my love life is extreamly stressfull.

i just don't want you readers out there thinking that guys are all i think about b/c that's not the case.
but i am a teenager, so guys are a main part of my life. especially b/c most of them are my best friends.

so for the first time in a while, i'm smiling when i finish a blog entry.
believe me, things really are starting to look up.

believing that the sun is starting to shine again,
tay

I'M DONE!!!

i can't even begin to explain just what i'm feeling right now.
normally words like, 'lonely' or 'frustrated' would work, but even those don't fit right now.
i just feel...
alone.
dead alone.
and it's all my fault i'm feeling this way.
...
actually, no it's not.
it's not my fault that all he did was try to make out with me.
it's not my fault that i felt smothered and angry.
it's not my fault that i feel like i need someone there to JUST FREAKIN' HOLD ME WITHOUT TRYING TO KISS ME!!!
it's not my fault that his ex is always gonna be there.
and it's definitely not my fault that he's not responding to texts.

so you know what?
*wipes tears angrily from face*
i'm SICK of this.
i'm DONE crying.
i'm DONE thinking about him.
and i'm DONE with this whole situation.
I'M DONE.

and even though i'm heartbroken that i can't see the full moon tonight, i know it's there.
and i hope that maybe tonight, God will answer my prayers and finally send me my summer boys to make all of this go away.
*squeezes eyes shut*
please...

wanting nothing more to do with boys (they're better as friends),

tay

such a hypocrite.

i feel so alone.
and i feel really selfish saying that considering i've gotten nothing but attention this past week, what with me being sick and all, but it's like all of a sudden this huge wave of loneliness crashed down on me and i had no controll over it.
and i shouldn't feel alone.
i mean, i'm the one ignoring calls and avoiding him.
i'm the one who doesn't want to see him.
*voice breaks*
i'm the one who's scared...
*hands pull at hair*
why the HELL am i so scared?!
*lip trembles*
why am i like this?
so...
demented and broken?
and why do i miss a completely different guy?
a guy i haven't seen in a really, really long time.
who, for all i know, may have a girlfriend.
but...
i've always imagioned that if i ever had a summer fling, it'd be with him.
most definately it would be with him.
...
but he's not here.
he hasn't been for the past year.
i moved on.
dreamed other fantasies.
*chuckles dryly*
crushed on other guys (emphasis on the 'crush').
but just like every summer, his name enters my head.
it's like clockwork.
and now there's someone else.
someone who i can't handle seeing right now, even though i'm seeing him tomorrow.

god, i don't know if i can see him tomorrow.
i don't know how i'm going to handle it.
thankfully, afterwords i'm going to get to go back to school and help build sets for our fall production of 'beauty and the beast', so hopefully my friends from drama will be there to cheer me up.
*smiles weakly*

i'm such a hypocrite for simultaneously pushing away a guy who i was falling for and feeling so lonely.
i am so messed up.

starting to feel just how mangled her heart really is,
tay

blahhh...

i hate this.
i hate myself for doing this again.
i hate my heart for feeling like this.
and i hate him.
i hate him for continuing this stupid thing, whatever it is.
i hate him for never listening to ME.
i hate him for being stupid superman when i need him to be normal. at least just for a while. so that when i'm sick he can just hold me. it doesn't have to be constant kissing.
i hate that when i'm around him, i don't ever feel like myself. i feel self-concious, stupid, young, scared...

i don't know what happened.
i was sick, he offered to come over, and i accepted.
so he came over, we went in my basement, started to watch titanic, but of course can we just watch the movie?
oh no.
do you wanna know why?
because he's a stupid boy who can't keep their hormones in check.
but did it ever occur to him that all i wanted to do was watch the damn movie??? did it ever occur to him that i was SICK??? and therefore TIRED???
it's like it's all about HIM!!! only i was too blind to see it before.
well as soon as he left and all the next day, i started to feel that feeling that was like, 'wow, he's way too clingy and way too close. i just want him OFF of me. i need to breathe!!!'. so i shut off my phone all day.
it was like heaven!
and then today, when we were supposed to hang out, i played the sick card and shut off my phone shortly after again.
i know, i know, it's rude.
and it's insensitive.
but i can't deal with this right now.
i can't deal with HIM!
i can't deal with his stupid ego and his stupid selfishness.
and i'm not sure how long this frustration is going to last.

*deep sigh*
and believe me, this all sounds WAY worse than it is.
he's a gentleman.
i haven't been a jerk (for the most part).
and the whole situation is probably going to go away soon.
in the mean time, i have no idea what i'm going to do.
it's not like i can break up with him.
he's not my boyfriend.
and this 'turning the cell phone off' thing seems to be working, but i do feel bad about it.
*another deep sigh*
and the worst part is, this whole thing kinda resembles what happened with my first boyfriend over a year ago.
the smothering thing, the selfishness thing, it's all so similar.
and that scares me.

so if any of you have any suggestions, i'm open to hearing about them.

and btw, i am feeling better.
i was supposed to find out if i have mono today, but b/c they never called, i'm assuming that i don't.
so yey!

wanting to forget any of this ever happened,
tay

bad readers!!!

ug.
*sneeze*
*cough*
*hack*
yes, that's right.
i'm offically sick.
which is weird, b/c i'm NEVER sick.
EVER.
so how exactly this happened, i really don't know.
all i know is that i couldn't walk yesterday and had the most massive head-ache ever.

oh, and who watched the season finale of 'the bachalerette' yesterday???
'cause i did!
and i can't believe jesse won!
i thought for SURE it would be jason.
needless to say i was very upset.
which probably made my sickness even worse.
maybe i could sue... (jk)


alright, well i know what you must be wondering; what's going on with the guy who you dedicated the last entry to?
well, lets just say that we hang out at least once a week, i see him more than i should (for the sake of my heart), and i get a kiss goodbye whenever he has to leave.
*deep sigh*
so yeah. you could say i'm in trouble.
did i mention that at my flag captin's grad party, he showed up late?
and me and my friends were swinging on her jungle gym and he came up behind me and scared me to death.
...
well, alright that's a lie.
it was dark, but not THAT dark.
i pretended to be scared.
but still.
then my friends took off to go hang out and he spent the whole time flirting with me and kissing me.
i felt like the only girl in the world.

alright.
that's all you're getting.
no details.
and do you want to know WHY???
because none of you have commented!!!
hey, i know you're out there and you care about what happens!!!
don't pretend that you don't.
so be good little readers and COMMENT!!!

*yawn*
well, it's pretty late for a sick girl to still be up, so i'm gonna go to bed now.
g'night all!

hoping tomorrow she can walk,
tay

STUPID BOYS AND THEIR STUPID PENISES!!!

i hate myself. i really do.
i'm not really sure why i'm scared anymore, just that i am.
why is he still here? he knows i'm just a scared, clumsy, non-graceful, pathetic sophmore. so why is he still around? still trying to make me fall for him? is this just a game?
i want to tear my hair out and it's making me CRAZY!!!
i HATE HIM for doing this to me.
i was perfectly happy being single for a while. and then HE came along!!!
GAHHH!!!
firy burning passion of HATE!!!
he just HAD to make me fall for him. he just HAD to be PERFECT and ROMANTIC and MATURE and... well... HIM!!!
AND I'M SCARED OF HIM!!!
i'm terrified that i'll get hurt badly from this whole situation, because let's be honest. that seems pretty likely!
he's going to collage in september. it's an hour and a half away. you tell me how that alone will work out when i can't drive and gas prices being through the roof.
plus, his ex.
i hate being the jealous girl, but i think i have a bit of a right here.
she's always going to be there. they hang out all the time and they... *hears heart start to crack* still make out sometimes.
she's four years older than me. one year older than him.
i can't compete with that.
*deep shuddering sigh*
i hate this whole damn situation.
i hate him for purposely making me fall for him and his damn italian ass.
and i mostly hate me.
i told myself i wouldn't let it happen. i wouldn't fall for him.
we all know how THAT turned out.

well now that tears are offically clouding my vision and i can no longer see, i'm going to get off before someone sees me.
i really don't want to explain the situation again.

praying that there's enough band-aids to patch up her heart after this is all over,
tay

PS; have i mentioned that he haunts my dreams too? 'cause he does. almost every night. grr... *tear runs down face*
okay, i'm gone.

goodbye tears!

alright, so today's filming wasn't TOO horrible. i didn't end up shedding a tear, but all i had to do was act upset and my director said it was perfectly believable and even if we don't end up being happy with it we can come back and shoot it on a different day.

so yeah. drama over. now i've got to figure out HOW i'm going to get through MAKING OUT with my romantic opposite. and he really likes me. and i don't like him back. can we say AWKWARD??? well, at least i can make it believable. i just hope he doesn't make it awkward. :-/

ah well. i'm not filming tomorrow, so that's all i care about right now.

oh, and i started summer gym today. fun. NOT!

so now i'm tired, yucky, and my hair is disgusting, so i'm going to go shower, make popcorn, and then read a book for the rest of the night.

my phone will be plugged in so that no one can bother me either. *cough*stupidboy*cough*

oh! but before i go, i must report a most unusual sighting in the neigborhood!

a few days ago, i needed a new bathing suit so my mom and i were going shopping. so we're coming home from shopping and we want to pick up my brother and his friend so that we can all go to a couple of garage sales. well, as we were going down our street to pick up said brother and friend, my mom points out this guy who neither of us have seen before. and he's doing something to the pathway of one of our widower's house. and he's kinda sorta gorgeous.

maybe sixteen or seventeen, he had this really shaggy black hair that i would DIE for. (i love guys with black hair) and he gave me this look as we passed by. it wasn't a look i'd ever seen before. and it wasn't flirtatious (which makes sense b/c i was kinda disgusting then too AND had my glasses on), but it wasn't a 'you're really weird' look either. idk what it was.

and then we saw him again on the way home from going to the garage sales and this time he was sitting in the same yard, leaning against a tree right next to the road, and talking on his cell phone. kinda weird, but i've seen weirder.

i was thinking about it later that day and decided that if i saw him again i would introduce myself.

i haven't seen him since, however.

well, i just thought i'd share that tidbit of info into my home life. that's the most that's happened in a while, so, as you can tell, things have been pretty quiet.

alright, well i'm going to go shower now so that i feel better.

feels a lot better,

tay

stupid tears

gahhhh... so tomorrow i've got the first day of summer gym AND filming, like, right after that. :(

it doesn't help that tomorrow's scene entails me crying. on cue. and i'm a little nervous about it.

i mean if i read the lines right and am in the mood to cry, then i might pull it off. i'm just afraid it won't happen and i'll let everyone down.

so yeah. there's my current problem.

i'm going to go through the scene at least ten times after this, but i'm still going to be nervous.

the scene itself is basically me explaining to the man i love about how my father killed my mother when i was a little kid. my director keeps telling me to become my character and relate it to my life. except the fact that nothing remotely close to this has happened to me before. and i'm not that great of an actress. so yeah. now what?

currently i'm reading the lines slowly and emotionally, all the while picturing all of my favorite students in the situation in the story.

it works up until a certain point. i get teary and i sob a couple of times, but no real tears have been shed. WHAT DO I DO???

man i wish people would still come to my blog and give me advice. any advice. i mean, come on! two of the people on my links are actors.

*deep sigh* but i'm the one who has to do it tomorrow.

i just wish there wasn't so much pressure to get it right.

nervous and a little scared,

tay

free hugs!

so today was, like, the best day ever! i got to hang out with three amazing friends and play the best game of monkey in the middle ever played.
seriously, no one can beat the game we played.

plus, two of the three people go to a different high school, so it was nice to see them again. junior high seems so long ago.

and then i watched two movies today. '27 dresses' and 'bella'. both were good, but after watching both of them in a row, i feel kinda sad and i'm not sure why. i guess it's because summer is a lonely time for me and after seeing two of my friends being all lovey-dovey today, i feel really alone.

i'm not complaining, mind you. i mean, my guy situation is at a halt currently. (after discussing that we would let whatever happen, happen, i've been a little hesitant to accept his offers to pick me up and hang at the mall or see a movie. plus, as far as the phone goes, there hasn't been much to talk about. he still called me twice this morning, though. i missed both of his calls, and i didn't call back. no doubt he was caddying at the golf course around the corner and wanted to hang out. great. NOT falling for this guy is going to be hard) but it's my fault it's like that. i'm the one keeping them at a distance. i'm the one who was hurt and now i dodge, not only his calls, but most guys'. i feel so hypocritical saying i'm lonely and then keeping him and all other guys at a distance, but i can be lonely and scared at the same time, right?

i just don't feel like i can get into anything yet. my last guy situation hurt more than i thought it would for some reason, and now i'm paying the price. i said i wouldn't let myself like him too, and then i let myself like him a little bit and i got my heart bruised. and that was only a crush. i can't afford to really fall for someone. not yet. not until this stupid bruise heals.

so yeah. now i'm wondering why every time i write on this blog i end up going on and on about my romantic situation, even though the rule was that i was to never mention it. ah well. no one visits here anymore anyway. ... right?

if you're reading this, let me know. i would like to know that what i'm writing, someone out there is sympathizing with.

needing a hug right now,

tay

yeah, yeah, i know.

okay, hi everyone! i realize that i haven't posted in a while, but school ends tomorrow and i have a feeling that i'm going to have some time on my hands... at least for the next week, which i have off. so i'm posting an update.

first, and always most importantly in a girl's mind, my current romantic life. let's start juicy!

okay, well any and all guy problems i've posted here are irrelevant. over. done. even though they've been dead for a while, i just thought i'd re-enforce that. now, for the current situation; in march i went to state thesbian conference with a couple friends and while i was there i was introduced to a friend of a friend. he's a senior. a senior at a different high school than mine. and he's italian. let's just say yummy...

only there was a slight problem... he had a girlfriend. whom he was in love with. deeply. but they were having relationship issues. so okay, the whole trip him and i flirted and stuff and talked a bit. we exchanged numbers, end of story. he had a girlfriend and i told myself i wouldn't fall for him. that was working enormasly well.

and then she broke up with him.

he was a mess. he would call me and we would talk about it and yeah. i felt okay b/c i knew he was still in love with her. not a big deal, right? well then, you know the movie i'm doing? he tried out for it!!! and got a part!!! so i saw him. a lot. and we flirted. a lot.

i know most of you are probably like, 'wow tay, that's the perfect way to NOT fall for a guy.' but it was working. it truely was. his flirting helped me with my loneliness and my flirting helped him ease his pain.

and then after a while, our phone conversations changed. they became less about her and more about me. weird.

and then... we had our most recent read-through. lets just say that he and i were pretty much joined by the hip the whole freaking night. and we talked. a lot. i told him things. things i didn't really mean to ever tell him. and he understood. and BELIEVED ME!!! now THAT is weird.

and then, when i had to leave, he walked me to the door, i hugged him goodbye... and it was kinda like he wanted to kiss me, but i didn't let him. i said bye and ran out the door.

smooth taylor. really smooth.

so yeah. he and i have talked about it. i'm afraid of getting hurt and that's what would happen if we got together. but... we've pretty much said that whatever happens, happens. lovely.

so yeah. now i'm a bit confused and still not sure if i'm willing to let myself like him. it's all so weird.

alright, well that's my current situation. no other guy than the occasional flirt.

so now on to the topic of exams!!! i've taken three out of my five and have my other two tomorrow. i know, i know, i should be studying, but it's five in the afternoon. i have all night. and i've been studying for days. and i'm tired. and all i want to do is put in gilmore girls and fall asleep listening to their fast-paced dialogue and fantisizing about lukilei fluff...

well... i guess i'll do that later after i'm done studying. which will end up being tomorrow.

and i should call some people... including mr italian senior guy... but i hate the phone, so i guess i'll talk to people when i feel like dealing with everything.

wish me luck on my geometry and science exams tomorrow.

proudly wearing her artistic arms,

tay

Someone?... Anyone?... Nope. Just me. As always.

I need help, but I don't know where to go. I'm confused and just want to go to someone who understands.

Sure, I tried out for it, but I only tried out for a small role! I didn't ask to be the lead! And now the director, who apparently has a huge crush on me, is casting himself as my romantic opposite because no one else showed up.

It doesn't help that I think his crush had a big part to do with me getting casted. I mean, I know I'm not that great of an actress or a singer! So how did I get this part???

I don't know what I'm gonna do and I really need someone to talk to me about it. I just need advice.

I just need a friend.

Determined not to cry even though the I can't see through the tears,

Tay

Quick Update

Hey everyone! Sorry it's been a while since my last post, but I've been kinda busy lately. I don't even know where to begin!

Well, lets start out with my current social life. The stupid guy is still there, but I'm moving on. It's not going to happen and I'm letting it go. So far, this has been easier said then done, mostly because it feels like every time I get close to moving on, he finds a way to imput himself into my life somehow, but I don't think he means to do it. Personally, I don't even think he likes me anymore, so you know... as if I wasn't depressed enough...

Anyway, moving on to other matters, let me just say that I feel the need to announce to the world that Claire and Drew are FINALLY TOGETHER!!! Congrats you two!!! I'm so proud!!! Yeah, so things in that drama department are actually pretty quiet. As far as I know, they're happy and things are going great, so... yeah! We're all pretty happy about it!

But, things can't all be perfect. K, as I've decided to call him (see former posts), is still in love with someone he has no busness being in love with!!! I don't know how many times I can tell him to move on!!! He just won't listen!!! If he keeps getting this attached to the guy, he's going to end up completely crushed by the time this thing is over. And I can only feel sorry for him to a point.

As for my family stuff, this summer we're going to PA!!! Yey!!! I miss my aunts, uncles, and cousins a lot, so it'll be good to see them again... other than that... there's really nothing going on in that area either.

So lets see... today I'm going to go to my church to meet with a youth group leader (or something along those lines) to talk about me getting more involved with my church. I love my church and it makes me sad that we only go once a year, so I've talked to my dad about it a lot and finally we've decided to do something about it. See, my family believes in God and all that, but between my mom not really being into the whole organized religion thing and my dad's outragious sleeping patterns as the result of his job, we haven't ever found the need to go in the past. And I have to admit that I was never sorry about that when I was little. I liked sleeping in every Sunday and I loved being able to run downstairs and help make pancakes instead of getting into fancy clothes for church. And then that stupid tree happened and my views on stuff changed. A lot changed for me after that night. Between that and my grandfather's death the previous year, I was starting to get warmed up to the idea of going to church. But of course, my family still liked the idea of sleeping in on Sunday. So here I've been for the past two years. Wanting to go to church and not being able to. And it's almost too late to do anything because I know virtually nothing about religion, God, Jesus, or anything relating to those three things. I believe that there is a God and that Jesus really was his son, I believe it all, I just don't know anything about it other than that. When you're me (some of you know what I'm talking about) and you have the, well, 'condition' that I have, you really don't have any other choice then to believe in God. I just feel bad for having this *cough* um, 'condition' and not knowing anything about the religious beliefs behind it. I feel like I've been given a gift that I know nothing about.

So yeah, after that I'm going to go into work for a couple hours and have fun with my students and then I'm going to come home and sleep for ten billion hours.

So that's me right now. I'll keep you updated as things change.

Wishing that summer would just come already,

Tay

PS; I will try to get out the next chapter of SS before break ends, but I can't promise it will get done. :( I'll try though, I promise.

Arms to Hold Me Needed

I'm so confused that it isn't even funny. But I'm not going to skip right to me. No, I'm gonna start from the beginning.

So it started a few days ago when I was talking to one of my best friends. He is bi and he had a girlfriend who was another of my best friends. He had hurt her a few months back, but then fell for her again and this time, they ended up going out. The thing is though that he's always had this thing for this guy who he's known all year who's two years older than him (and straight btw). Well, I was talking to my friend and he and I basically came to the conclusion that he was 'in love' with this guy and he had to tell his girlfriend and stop leading her on like that.

Okay, so, just to make the situation even more complicated, lets enter me and my best friend who are talking on the phone later that day and are getting kinda mad at our other best friend for hurting his girlfriend for the second time this year. We start to decide that it would probably end up being better if she hears it from one of us instead of him. So we call her. She's not home. She calls my best friend back later and she tells her. I then talk to her about an hour later, she's in tears (obviously) and then I had to go to my brother's soccer game, so I didn't hear anymore.

Then enter the other side of the relationship, him. Lets call him... K. So I get a call from K about an hour after I got home from the soccer game. He's kinda pissed at me and my other best friend (Claire) for telling his 'girlfriend' (now calling her S) about him wanting to break up with her. Can't really blame him, but we did it for S, not him. So I kinda calm him down, he's not mad at me at least, and we hang up.

K and S obviously broke up and are now in some sort of awkward friends thingie, but whatever. I'm done getting involved (I know, I say that all the time, but this time I'm actually gonna try harder).

And, believe it or not, around that same time, guess who decides to enter himself into the picture again??? Yeah... I think you can figure it out.

AND, to add to it all, I've been sick for the past two days. Between stress, this whole friends crisis, this guy, school, and this stupid sickness, I've been on the verge of tears for the past three days. And I can't figure out why I got sick in the first place!!! I NEVER get sick! Never! And somehow I get sick NOW??? And of course I couldn't skip school today. Not with two tests and a quiz. It sucked. I'll admit that yesterday was worse, but still. Today was kinda bad. The only good part was that I got to sleep in third period and a bit during lunch, but not much. Being the only girl is my favorite part of lunch (shhh....), but it does pose a problem when you're sleep deprived (suprisingly enough, sick people don't get a lot of sleep), stressed (stupid school... stupid friends... stupid boys...), and food deprived (I don't eat much to begin with and add being sick to that, lets just say that dinner is the only meal when I haven't been eating like a bird). I love the guys, but they can be a little loud. Especially when they're shooting bottle caps at lunch ladies (sam, lol).

So yeah. Sorry about that long story. I just needed a venting session. It felt good too. And again, if you're reading this, I really want more comments. As some of you may know, I've felt really lonely this past month and if anyone comments it would really make me smile. I might even cry. I don't know. With my current emotional state, it's hard to tell.

Wishing that the room would stop spinning,

Tay

Whatever

Okay... so apparently I was right in thinking that no one visits my site anymore. That's kinda depressing in a way, but yet I can't help but think of how releaving that is. Now I can go back to six months ago when I could post whatever the hell I wanted. Cool.

Alright, well, as for my previous situation... it really hasn't gone away. But now I've at least figured out that I think that it's better if I don't date this guy. Maybe being friends is just what we were ment to be and that's that. I just wish we could continue getting to know each other just as friends.

The biggest thing I hate about this is that I can't help but hope that something more will happen. I know it won't, but I'm just one of those people who don't like to give up hope. Normally it's a good thing, but in situations like this, I can't stand that about me. And all this time I'm wondering if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Am I supposed to like him or am I supposed to try really hard to get over him? I just... UHHH!!! I HATE HIGH SCHOOL!!!

*takes deep breath* Fine. Well... in other news, I've got a Flag Corps competition this weekend (Saturday) and I'm pumped! Our routine is really hard, but really cool, and even though it's not perfect yet, I know it'll be amazing. So yeah. I'm really excited!

Umm.... not much else going on now... I've got a World Studies test on Friday (which I'm not looking forward to by the way) and some sort of French project due Friday too. Kinda been a busy week, but so far I'm not in too deep yet.

So yeah. Now I'm gonna go meditate and try to get my mind centered... on something other than my frusterating situation.

Craving Sour Patch Kids,

Tay

PS; I've also missed my summer boys a lot lately and I couldn't figure out why until recently. I think it's because sitting up with the older brother on his father's truck and watching our little brothers wrestle, I felt like I belonged and nothing else mattered in the world. All of my stress and all of my problems dissappeared and instead we would laugh at absolutely nothing. We made up stuff like 'lamp sized fireflies' and 'martin bugs' and stuff like that. I mean, really stupid stuff... but it didn't matter how stupid it was. Because it was us. And with us... it was okay to be a little stupid. God I miss that beat up old truck...

Okay, so I know I vowed never to talk about my love life here anymore, but I need to break that rule for, like, the next five minutes. I think it's okay because it seems that everyone's transferred from Blogspot to Myspace and no one updates or comments anymore, and even if someone comes back, I can always delete this later.

So (I'm not gonna use names; I'm not stupid), Valentine's Day is officially over and I'm relieved. I wasn't expecting anything and I didn't get anything. Yey. But the thing is that I do like this guy... but I'm terrified. I don't want another relationship where I don't know who the guy actually is before I go out with them. I hate awkwardness and after my last relationship, I'm also afraid of it. So I'm trying to get to know this guy and it's going okay until he stops. Just stops. And I don't know what to do about it. Should I push, or would that be nagging? Or should I just let it go and not worry about it? I mean, if this isn't happening then maybe it's not ment to be, right? I'm just worried about letting go of something that could become something great, but what if it isn't great? What if it sucks and I'm stuck being in the same situation I was in a few months ago. I really don't want to break up with another guy any time soon. I just... it's hard to let this go. I feel empty because I feel like I'm so close but still so far away. I really want to just NOT like him anymore and MOVE ON, but it's like my soul won't let me. And I can't help but wonder if there's a reason for that...

So I've been wanting to say this for a while now and I feel good now that I have, but I'm still a little nervous that someone's gonna read it and question me about it. If you do read this and know me personally, please don't interrogate me *cough*CLAIRE*cough*. Believe me, I've been doing enough thinking lately.

It doesn't help that I feel this loneliness that won't seem to go away and I feel almost hollow inside... except for when I'm around him... then it's like I'm almost whole. I'm not, but I almost feel it. I taste it. I want to know what it's like to be with someone who makes me laugh, someone who I can talk about nothing and everything with, and someone who will hold me when I need to cry.

Stupid February and stupid Valentine's Day for making me feel so numb when I want to feel so alive.

Knowing that my meditation will probably have some tears involved,

Tay

PS; It doesn't matter if I know you or not, I just need some sort of advice to tell me what to do so PLEASE comment!!!

PPS; I'm gonna work on chapter three of The Spirit Sisters this weekend and will hopefully have it edited by Tuesday so that I can publish it around then.

Valentine's Day Rant

I hate February. I hate it with a passion. Even more, I hate Valentine's Day. And yes, I know how bitter I sound, but I don't care. Valentine's Day is just another excuse for people who aren't single to rub in the fact that us single people have no one. This whole month is filled with commercials and adds and constant reminders filled with roses and chocolates and jewlery. Being the romantic I am, you would think I'm like the biggest supporter of Valentine's Day, but in reality, from my point of view, I think that any day could be the one that people find each other. That's why I smile everyday. I believe that every five minutes someone meets their soul mate. Valentine's Day takes something that should be left to fate and makes it commercial and puts a price on it. For those unfortunate beings who have either lost that special person or simply haven't found them, it makes them feel cold and lonely. It sucks.

And it's not that I'm bitter. I mean, I've dated a couple guys within the past year, so it's not like I haven't had a social life or anything, but I always seem to find myself single and alone during this month. And this year it seems to be much worse than normal. I almost feel like I'm so close to having something special but can't seem to reach it. I feel lonely and depressed and I feel like I've met either one or two people who could fix it, but simply aren't. I just... I can't stand this empty feeling. I feel like it's eating me alive. I haven't genuinely laughed since lunch two days ago and I don't know what to do about it. I feel powerless.

The scary thing is that I'm afraid that this feeling won't go away after this month. I mean, what if I feel this lonely for months after this? I mean, I'm not seriously depressed or anti-social or anything. I have laughed and smiled and enjoyed myself this month, I just feel tired, sick, and I have this ache. It's just a minor case of loneliness. I just wish someone would hold me and say it's gonna be alright without it being one of my parents or one of my girl friends. Ah well. I guess I'm ment to have another Valentine's Day alone and watch my closest friends suffer from the same symptoms.

Hoping I can hold myself together this week,

Tay

PS; On a happier note that I forgot to mention, opening night was last night and it was amazing! Seriously, we were great and everyone's shows were perfect! I got a flower from two of my guy friends (one is my best friend's boyfriend, the other my ex. yeah, believe me, I know) and got so many hugs that my arms ached at the end of the night. I hope more people show up tonight, though. Last night it was kinda dead...

How Many Of You Are Truely Surprised?

I am sooooooo incredibly pissed off at the moment. One of my best friends is being such a jerk. My friend C and I have been freaking out for like a year about what we're going to do once we graduate, and I figured it out about a month ago, and she figured it out recently, like less than a week ago. But in order for her plan to work, she had to rearrange some classes. I supported her and said that it was okay for her to do this as long as she stuck to it and knew that this was something she really wanted to do. My other friend however doesn't believe she'll stick with it, says it's just a phase, and has continued to give her negative feedback. I could spit at him.

Then, yeah, there's more, because we're supposed to have rehersal together today and it's really important because it's the first with costumes, I asked him if he knew. He said he wasn't coming because HE DIDN'T WANT TO!!! He also used some excuse with his mom and something else, but nothing that would seriously prevent him from getting to rehersal. I'm sooooooooo PISSED AT HIM!!!! I just can't BELIEVE someone would do that. I just can't.

Okay, I need to change the subject before I say stuff that I'll regret. Alright, so yesterday my neighbor's grandkids from out of town came for a visit! I got to hang out with the older sister for about four hours yesterday afternoon and we played a LOT of Guitar Hero III, but then I had to go to a party for my father's work. After that, though, her two younger brothers, ages 11 and 13 came over and hung out with me and my younger bro. It was cool because while the 11 year old and my younger brother were playing some Star Wars game, the older brother and I got to talk. It felt good to be able to really talk to a guy. I haven't been able to for a while.

After they left I went to my meditation and sat there thinking that I haven't been able to talk to this guy I'm mad at in forever. He doesn't understand anymore. He's selfish now and conceited. I miss my best friend from seventh grade. The guy who would listen to us and, although he imputed his views, he still supported us and believed in us. Now I feel like he's gone and I don't have a guy to lean on anymore. I miss that.

So as I sat there, thinking about how it was easier to talk to this 13 year old than to one of my best friends, it really hit me how my good friend from out of town was a better best friend than this guy I've known since preschool!!! Not that that's crazy, I mean, this 13 year old is really a great guy and his girlfriend's lucky to have him, but it scared me I think.

So now I'm typing all of this and I find it weird that I'm not crying by now. I'm actually just sitting here and thinking that I'm going to go and hang out with some real friends today and not ones that put me down and don't believe in me.

Needing to call C and share my revelations,

Tay

PS; To any other friends who are reading this, he is the only one I'm mad at and the only one who hasn't been a good friend. You all have been very supportive and comforting and are truely some of my closest friends. Thanks guys!

PPS; I'll probably go back to being not mad at this guy in about a week, but right now, he's being a jerk. THIS IS JUST A VENTING SESSION!!! I do love him, he's just annoying me right now.

Snow Day Relaxations

Snow day! Yey! LOL. I spent at least four hours reading today. It actually felt good to lay down and not have to think or worry or care for four solid hours. Believe me, I've felt like I've been in hell for the past few weeks, so a day like today was needed greatly.

Today was supposed to be the casting of The Odd Couple, but because of the snow day I guess they'll be posted on Monday. I've checked the school's drama website and nothing's posted, so after checking one more time, I'm just going to accept that I'll have to wait until Monday. In all honesty, I don't really think I made it. I mean, with Winter One Acts pretty much everybody got a part because they were short handed, but with the Spring play, more people try out and there are fewer roles. I really hope my close friends C and S get it before me. I'll still show up and watch, sitting in my front row seat, cheering at the top of my lungs just like with TMM. I'll laugh at their unfunny lines that I helped them reherse and I'll grin like crazy when they first appear on stage. I pray that they get it.

As for One Acts, things are going really well and, from what I've heard, we've got one of the best acts. Our next rehersal is on Sunday and it'll be the first one with costumes, so I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be really funny seeing my new friends dressed up in clothes that they would never wear normally, including me. I mean, I would normally never wear these fashion diva clothes that I get to, but I'm oddly excited by that. This whole thing is such an exciting and new experience.

Now I guess I'll go read some more and try to get through another book before bed (though I'll probably break for my weekly session of Ghost Whisperer and Moonlight).

Feeling a bit odd,

Tay

Another Audition; A Different Me

Well, I just finished writing and editing the second chapter of The Spirit Sisters, however, I'm going to give it one more look over tomorrow before I post it. I promise it will be ready to be viewed by Monday morning.

Okay, so that's all about the new site, let's talk about my auditions on Monday. That's right, Winter One Acts are almost over (two more weeks) and the Spring Play is underway (I totally didn't mean to rhyme). It's called the Odd Couple and our school is putting on both a male and female version. My audition is on Monday and I've already got a monologue picked out and shakily memorized. I just have to dedicate tomorrow to rehearsing it and I'll be set! It's weird, though, because I'm not as nervous for these auditions as I was for One Acts and I can't figure out why. Maybe it's because I have experience now or that I feel more comfortable acting, but none of those reasons seem right. I don't know, maybe I'm just being weird. It wouldn't be the first time.

I'm babysitting my brother tonight and have no idea what we're going to do. He'll want to play the Wii or some other video game, which is okay, but they tend to give me a headache after a while.

I got to go shopping today too. I got a sketch book for my Photojournalism class and then spent the last hour and a half cutting pics out of magazines to glue into it. I'm really excited about this class and can't wait to start using my cameras.

So that's me. After having the worst week ever, I think I'm having a pretty good weekend.

Loving the feeling of being home alone to gather my thoughts,

Tay

Old Exams and New Classes

So yes, I have come up with an idea, which, weirdly enough, I came up with in the shower yet AGAIN. That place is magic apparently. Or just the hiding place of the plot bunny. Either one.

So comments would be VERY appreciated. Even views or reads.... or ANYTHING! Come on people. You don't want me to beg, do you?

So enough about the new site, let's talk about exam results.

Let's just say that I did okay, but not great. All B's so far, and I still haven't gotten World Studies or Science back. I thought that was okay until I came home from school today and told my father, who didn't really even react, and then told my mother and basically bantered with her about my studying habits, and so yeah. I'm not exactly in the best mood right now, and it doesn't help that it's a full moon and my whole astronological clock is WAY out of wack, causing me to lash out at people and sink into a lull that won't seem to go away.

So lets just say that I really don't want to cry right now, so I'm just going to stop writing about this. New topic.

How about my new classes? Well, first is my new Study Hall, which sux btw. I don't sit my any of my A+ buddies, so I'm lonely and loveless. The only bright side is that I do sit by one of my French buddies from last year, so I'm not completely alone. I still felt lonely, though.

So then I had a different lunch period. It was actually better than I'd expected, but, again, because of my wacked astronological clock, I was tired and not really in the mood to deal with the drama that normally goes along with lunch. The bright side is that I'm the only girl (it IS a bright side, believe me), so that way I don't have to worry about more drama. Believe me, I get enough of that on my own.

Lastly, I had a new Photo Journalism class. I'm looking forward to making these journals my new teacher talked about, but I'm very lonely in that class. No one I'm close to is in that class and I'm going to be alone. Fun, but maybe it's a good thing that I have a class all to myself without anyone there to remind me of my dramatic and stressful life. Can you tell that I'm a little down right now? I guess my optimism goes out the window after having a day like mine.

Yeah, so that's me. I was just cheered up by my friend, though, who complimented some pics of mine, so I feel a bit better, but I could still use some chocolate if anyone's got any to spare...

Going to go listen to some inspiring lyrics and pray that they help,

Tay

Bringing Back Miss Outspoken Writer (for those of you who knew this blog in its earlier days)

Okay, so I was getting out of the shower and washing my face and brushing my teeth and stuff, and I started thinking. I haven't written in a long time. I'm a writer who hasn't written a true story in at least five months. It then hit me how empty I felt without it. I used to write all the time. And then high school happened. Ask anyone, I would write all the time, and now I don't. Maybe it's lack of time or lack of energy, but I started feeling empty and horrible... And then I had a brilliant idea.

I'm going to start writting again, and I'm thinking (and only thinking, people, don't get excited yet) that maybe, maybe, I'll actually make another blog/website, but have it all be random installments of one of my stories! Now, keep in mind that I would have to brainstorm a really fantastic plot line in order to do this and that it might end up being a couple weekly installments, and then a couple of monthly installments, but I think I could possibly do it. I don't currently know for sure if I'm going to do it, but I would like to know everyone's opinions on the subject.

So now, without further ado, I think I'm going to go and start writting down one of my many thought bubbles. Maybe if enough people comment on this, I'll post it here! Hey, I've done it before (check MUCH earlier entries), and I might do it again, even if this whole idea doesn't work out.

Feeling inspired,

Tay

Exams, Exams, and More Exams

I feel so burnt out right now that it's not even a little bit funny. I truely just want to crawl under the covers and stay there for the rest of my life.

Yesterday's exams went okay. Turns out Health was my hardest and I got a B on it (he told us), so I should at least get B's on the rest of the ones I took yesterday. Today I just have French, which I'm praying is mostly multiple choice and matching...

I'm terrified for tomorrow, though. Geometry shouldn't be impossible, but Science might be. I HATE Science with a burning passion and I don't understand hardly anything. I'm going to have to study my butt off tonight just to pass. Wish me luck.

I'm getting a migrane just thinking about all of this.

On a short fuse this morning,

Tay

I Want A Nap

I can hardly keep my eyes open at almost four in the afternoon. Something's seriously wrong here. I have been working for the past two hours and am really, really, really tired. Seriously, I think I'm going to go take a nap soon.

Exams are three days away and I'm going to be working my butt off until that point, so why can't I take a three hour nap until dinner??? Because I've got to study for PRE EXAMS FOR TOMORROW!!! The next twenty minutes are the only break I'm giving myself before I go back to the books. *yawns so big her mouth hurts* By the time this is all over, I'm going to be so tired that I'll probably fall asleep in the middle of an exam, and then I'll be screwed over for life. Great. No pressure or anything.

Plus, it doesn't help that I got, like, NO sleep last night b/c of my stupid cough. I swear, I've had it for like three weeks now, and it's STILL not going away. According to my mom, it could last another three weeks. Great.

The only plus side right now is that my favorite movie is on cable tonight at six. I'm recording it b/c of course I'll be too busy either studying, helping with dinner, or eating dinner to actually watch it. Thankfully I'm planning on stopping all of my madness at eight to watch it. Yeah, I'm going to crawl into a sweatshirt and sweat pants and curl up in a ball with a gallon of rainbow sherbert and probably sob my way through half of it (it's a very sad movie).

So. Yeah. That's my current situation. I'm also incredably alone right now b/c my parents had to take my bro to his b-ball game and I had to stay home and study. My only companion is my dog, who is currently curled up around my feet, trying to keep them warm (I never wear socks, so my feet are always freezing). So comments would be appreciated.

Slowly entering a dream world,

Tay

Work, Rehersal, and Pep Band

Okay, so at work two days ago, my boss actually offered to have me teach my own class (for those of you who don't know, I help teach swim lessons every Thursday)!!! It was a class of mostly three to five year olds and they were SOOOO CUTE!!! I ended up spliting the class with another teacher b/c there were like ten of them and no one can handle ten kids on their own, but it was so much fun! I think pretty soon I'm going to get my own class to instruct without anyone's help and I'm so looking forward to it. I LOVE my job and am not planning on leaving any time soon!

On another note, yesterday I had the longest day ever. After school, I had rehersal for One Acts, and one of my friends wasn't planning on going, but apparently my goading and our other friend's goading finally persuaded him to go, so my father and I gave him a ride. But before we could go to rehersal, we had to go pick up my brother from school, which ment going inside our old elementary school. You should have seen him. We had so much fun commenting on how cute and small everything was and I swear we squealed at least fifty times! Then, we finally got out of there and to rehersal at our director's house. After a quick snack, we headed down into her basement to start rehersing and had a lot of fun. I had only been to one rehersal before that, and at my first one I had been nervous and a little intimidated, but at this one, I felt a lot more comfortable. Maybe it was the fact that everyone was there or that I had pretty much memorized my lines, but I felt a lot better. Anyway, so after two hours of rehersed cat fights, screaming, hugging, fainting, and arm movements, I had to get picked up early to go to pep band. Fun, right? Not really. By this time, I was tired, had a minor headache, and my wisdom teeth had started to ache for no reason. But I didn't even get to go home before pep band, nope, I had to go straight there. And this wasn't any old pep band, either, no of course not. It was a double header! First a girl's basketball game, and then a boy's. I basically spend the whole night talking to my flutest friend and pretty much lost my voice after that.

When I got home last night, I was dead on my feet, hadn't eaten anything since lunch, and could barely stand. I had fun, it was just the longest possible day ever.

Now, at around two, I'm going to pick up my friend and we're going to go to the library with our study group and work on a stupid english project that's due right when exams are over. Don't get me started on how wrong this is, or I will seriously just ramble on more than I already am.

Feeling like skipping down the street,

Tay

Exams And Everything That Goes Along With Them

Okay, so I officially HATE exams. In about fifteen minutes, I have to make a three page cheat sheet for my World Studies class, which is going to take FOREVER. I also have to make flashcards, though I don't really remember what for (which could cause a bit of a problem).

I missed a drama club meeting after school because I was so tired and distracted that I completely blanked, and didn't remember until my dad brought it up a half hour after it had ended.

I also had three quizzes and a test today. The test I actually think I did okay on, the first quiz I pretty much failed (but we take three a week, so they're really not worth much), the second quiz I actually aced, and the third quiz I honestly have no idea how I did on. In all reality, I'm pretty nervous about it, but I'm at least sure I passed.

And (if you can believe there's more), I didn't sleep well at all because of this stupid cough I've had for the past week. Instead of going away like I thought it would, it's just getting worse (I'll go into random fits now, and not be able to stop no matter how much water I drink) and now it's costing me sleep. I finally let my dad call the doctor, so I've officially declared war. Oh, it's on, bacteria, it's on.

So that's pretty much my day so far. I know, nothing positive, but it's hard to find positivity when you're too preoccupied with the pressure of exams. Hmm... something positive to say... how about the fact that I laughed today? That's positive, right? I mean, I always laugh in Science class (Jim and Claire know why, especially today). Ah, the wonder that is ninth period. It reminds me of my double period of social studies last year. Good times, good times...

Suddenly missing the simplicity of eighth grade,

Tay

Long Awaited Update

I'm sooooooooooo sorry I haven't updated in forever! It's just I've had other things to do and tons of stuff on my mind to deal with. Not that anything has really gotten accomplished or any of my thoughts sorted out, but you know, I felt bad about lack of updates!

So here's my current story; I was walking home from the bus stop with tons of books not only in my backpack, but also in my arms b/c I'm supposed to prepare for exams this weekend and get myself organized. So I'm walking, and normally the walk isn't that long, but normally I don't have fifty pounds on my back and another fifty pounds in my arms, so I'm walking slowly and my arms are killing me. So I'm halfway there, and I slip on a patch of ice and fall onto the street. I swear I pulled at least ten muscles and got a nice sized bruise on my hip and another on my knee. I'm then half tempted just to frickin' leave everything there and just limp home without my homework, but I know that I can't, so I have to heave myself up back onto my feet, with my backpack still on my back, and my books still in my arms. By the time I got home, my arms were trembling from the weight and my legs were about ready to give out, but I finally made it through the door and I pretty much just dumped it all on the staircase. I haven't even changed out of my boots yet, I just hobbled to the computer.

So that was my most recent story. Trust me, there's more where that came from.

Let's talk about exams and my schedual for this weekend. I have to work pretty much nonstop, making flash cards for everything and taking notes on what I need to study for each subject. Six exams. Six subjects. Six sets of notes. At LEAST six sets of flash cards. And the sucky part is that I can't NOT study or my parents will kill me and I can't procrastinate this stuff or I will never be able to pass, and THEN my parent's will kill me. So either, I go through this torture this weekend and get it over with, or get grounded from now until my birthday. I think you know which one I'm going to choose.

So I guess I won't be able to post all weekend, but come Monday, I'll continue to keep you updated (if I'm still alive by then).

Dreading walking again,

Tay

PS; A big happy birthday shout out to my brother! Eleven years old this Sunday!

PPS; Did I mention that Saturday night and Sunday morning will be filled with four fifth grade boys laughing and screaming and running everywhere? Bring on the Asprin...

It's Not A Hangover, I Promise

I had so much fun last night, but now I feel sick to my stomach and I don't think I can even talk. I also have the beginnings of a headache and don't really feel like studying, even though I know I have to otherwise I'll pretty much just die later. So.....

Last night, details, right... Okay, so my friends and I had kinda like a party, only it was only four of us. We played Guitar Hero III and danced to funky music and had this strobe light thing going on.... it was fun. I didn't end up sleeping until two last night, but hey, I missed them all a lot so it was good to see them again.

I should probably run through my script today as well as study.... ug.... truthfully and honestly, I just want to go back to bed......

About ready to say 'screw it all!',

Tay

PS; HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!