STUPID BOYS AND THEIR STUPID PENISES!!!

i hate myself. i really do.
i'm not really sure why i'm scared anymore, just that i am.
why is he still here? he knows i'm just a scared, clumsy, non-graceful, pathetic sophmore. so why is he still around? still trying to make me fall for him? is this just a game?
i want to tear my hair out and it's making me CRAZY!!!
i HATE HIM for doing this to me.
i was perfectly happy being single for a while. and then HE came along!!!
GAHHH!!!
firy burning passion of HATE!!!
he just HAD to make me fall for him. he just HAD to be PERFECT and ROMANTIC and MATURE and... well... HIM!!!
AND I'M SCARED OF HIM!!!
i'm terrified that i'll get hurt badly from this whole situation, because let's be honest. that seems pretty likely!
he's going to collage in september. it's an hour and a half away. you tell me how that alone will work out when i can't drive and gas prices being through the roof.
plus, his ex.
i hate being the jealous girl, but i think i have a bit of a right here.
she's always going to be there. they hang out all the time and they... *hears heart start to crack* still make out sometimes.
she's four years older than me. one year older than him.
i can't compete with that.
*deep shuddering sigh*
i hate this whole damn situation.
i hate him for purposely making me fall for him and his damn italian ass.
and i mostly hate me.
i told myself i wouldn't let it happen. i wouldn't fall for him.
we all know how THAT turned out.

well now that tears are offically clouding my vision and i can no longer see, i'm going to get off before someone sees me.
i really don't want to explain the situation again.

praying that there's enough band-aids to patch up her heart after this is all over,
tay

PS; have i mentioned that he haunts my dreams too? 'cause he does. almost every night. grr... *tear runs down face*
okay, i'm gone.

goodbye tears!

alright, so today's filming wasn't TOO horrible. i didn't end up shedding a tear, but all i had to do was act upset and my director said it was perfectly believable and even if we don't end up being happy with it we can come back and shoot it on a different day.

so yeah. drama over. now i've got to figure out HOW i'm going to get through MAKING OUT with my romantic opposite. and he really likes me. and i don't like him back. can we say AWKWARD??? well, at least i can make it believable. i just hope he doesn't make it awkward. :-/

ah well. i'm not filming tomorrow, so that's all i care about right now.

oh, and i started summer gym today. fun. NOT!

so now i'm tired, yucky, and my hair is disgusting, so i'm going to go shower, make popcorn, and then read a book for the rest of the night.

my phone will be plugged in so that no one can bother me either. *cough*stupidboy*cough*

oh! but before i go, i must report a most unusual sighting in the neigborhood!

a few days ago, i needed a new bathing suit so my mom and i were going shopping. so we're coming home from shopping and we want to pick up my brother and his friend so that we can all go to a couple of garage sales. well, as we were going down our street to pick up said brother and friend, my mom points out this guy who neither of us have seen before. and he's doing something to the pathway of one of our widower's house. and he's kinda sorta gorgeous.

maybe sixteen or seventeen, he had this really shaggy black hair that i would DIE for. (i love guys with black hair) and he gave me this look as we passed by. it wasn't a look i'd ever seen before. and it wasn't flirtatious (which makes sense b/c i was kinda disgusting then too AND had my glasses on), but it wasn't a 'you're really weird' look either. idk what it was.

and then we saw him again on the way home from going to the garage sales and this time he was sitting in the same yard, leaning against a tree right next to the road, and talking on his cell phone. kinda weird, but i've seen weirder.

i was thinking about it later that day and decided that if i saw him again i would introduce myself.

i haven't seen him since, however.

well, i just thought i'd share that tidbit of info into my home life. that's the most that's happened in a while, so, as you can tell, things have been pretty quiet.

alright, well i'm going to go shower now so that i feel better.

feels a lot better,

tay

stupid tears

gahhhh... so tomorrow i've got the first day of summer gym AND filming, like, right after that. :(

it doesn't help that tomorrow's scene entails me crying. on cue. and i'm a little nervous about it.

i mean if i read the lines right and am in the mood to cry, then i might pull it off. i'm just afraid it won't happen and i'll let everyone down.

so yeah. there's my current problem.

i'm going to go through the scene at least ten times after this, but i'm still going to be nervous.

the scene itself is basically me explaining to the man i love about how my father killed my mother when i was a little kid. my director keeps telling me to become my character and relate it to my life. except the fact that nothing remotely close to this has happened to me before. and i'm not that great of an actress. so yeah. now what?

currently i'm reading the lines slowly and emotionally, all the while picturing all of my favorite students in the situation in the story.

it works up until a certain point. i get teary and i sob a couple of times, but no real tears have been shed. WHAT DO I DO???

man i wish people would still come to my blog and give me advice. any advice. i mean, come on! two of the people on my links are actors.

*deep sigh* but i'm the one who has to do it tomorrow.

i just wish there wasn't so much pressure to get it right.

nervous and a little scared,

tay

free hugs!

so today was, like, the best day ever! i got to hang out with three amazing friends and play the best game of monkey in the middle ever played.
seriously, no one can beat the game we played.

plus, two of the three people go to a different high school, so it was nice to see them again. junior high seems so long ago.

and then i watched two movies today. '27 dresses' and 'bella'. both were good, but after watching both of them in a row, i feel kinda sad and i'm not sure why. i guess it's because summer is a lonely time for me and after seeing two of my friends being all lovey-dovey today, i feel really alone.

i'm not complaining, mind you. i mean, my guy situation is at a halt currently. (after discussing that we would let whatever happen, happen, i've been a little hesitant to accept his offers to pick me up and hang at the mall or see a movie. plus, as far as the phone goes, there hasn't been much to talk about. he still called me twice this morning, though. i missed both of his calls, and i didn't call back. no doubt he was caddying at the golf course around the corner and wanted to hang out. great. NOT falling for this guy is going to be hard) but it's my fault it's like that. i'm the one keeping them at a distance. i'm the one who was hurt and now i dodge, not only his calls, but most guys'. i feel so hypocritical saying i'm lonely and then keeping him and all other guys at a distance, but i can be lonely and scared at the same time, right?

i just don't feel like i can get into anything yet. my last guy situation hurt more than i thought it would for some reason, and now i'm paying the price. i said i wouldn't let myself like him too, and then i let myself like him a little bit and i got my heart bruised. and that was only a crush. i can't afford to really fall for someone. not yet. not until this stupid bruise heals.

so yeah. now i'm wondering why every time i write on this blog i end up going on and on about my romantic situation, even though the rule was that i was to never mention it. ah well. no one visits here anymore anyway. ... right?

if you're reading this, let me know. i would like to know that what i'm writing, someone out there is sympathizing with.

needing a hug right now,

tay

yeah, yeah, i know.

okay, hi everyone! i realize that i haven't posted in a while, but school ends tomorrow and i have a feeling that i'm going to have some time on my hands... at least for the next week, which i have off. so i'm posting an update.

first, and always most importantly in a girl's mind, my current romantic life. let's start juicy!

okay, well any and all guy problems i've posted here are irrelevant. over. done. even though they've been dead for a while, i just thought i'd re-enforce that. now, for the current situation; in march i went to state thesbian conference with a couple friends and while i was there i was introduced to a friend of a friend. he's a senior. a senior at a different high school than mine. and he's italian. let's just say yummy...

only there was a slight problem... he had a girlfriend. whom he was in love with. deeply. but they were having relationship issues. so okay, the whole trip him and i flirted and stuff and talked a bit. we exchanged numbers, end of story. he had a girlfriend and i told myself i wouldn't fall for him. that was working enormasly well.

and then she broke up with him.

he was a mess. he would call me and we would talk about it and yeah. i felt okay b/c i knew he was still in love with her. not a big deal, right? well then, you know the movie i'm doing? he tried out for it!!! and got a part!!! so i saw him. a lot. and we flirted. a lot.

i know most of you are probably like, 'wow tay, that's the perfect way to NOT fall for a guy.' but it was working. it truely was. his flirting helped me with my loneliness and my flirting helped him ease his pain.

and then after a while, our phone conversations changed. they became less about her and more about me. weird.

and then... we had our most recent read-through. lets just say that he and i were pretty much joined by the hip the whole freaking night. and we talked. a lot. i told him things. things i didn't really mean to ever tell him. and he understood. and BELIEVED ME!!! now THAT is weird.

and then, when i had to leave, he walked me to the door, i hugged him goodbye... and it was kinda like he wanted to kiss me, but i didn't let him. i said bye and ran out the door.

smooth taylor. really smooth.

so yeah. he and i have talked about it. i'm afraid of getting hurt and that's what would happen if we got together. but... we've pretty much said that whatever happens, happens. lovely.

so yeah. now i'm a bit confused and still not sure if i'm willing to let myself like him. it's all so weird.

alright, well that's my current situation. no other guy than the occasional flirt.

so now on to the topic of exams!!! i've taken three out of my five and have my other two tomorrow. i know, i know, i should be studying, but it's five in the afternoon. i have all night. and i've been studying for days. and i'm tired. and all i want to do is put in gilmore girls and fall asleep listening to their fast-paced dialogue and fantisizing about lukilei fluff...

well... i guess i'll do that later after i'm done studying. which will end up being tomorrow.

and i should call some people... including mr italian senior guy... but i hate the phone, so i guess i'll talk to people when i feel like dealing with everything.

wish me luck on my geometry and science exams tomorrow.

proudly wearing her artistic arms,

tay