Yet Another Pickle...

I have gotten myself into yet another pickle. See, the guy I like, likes one of my best friends. He is going to ask her out eventually, I know it, but I don't know what she'll say. She's interested in another guy and not really into the guy I like. I'm still heartbroken over the whole thing. So, venting my feelings, I wrote the essay below, only made it a LOT more dramatic. I'm not really that sad, but I like to write dramatically. I would like feedback please. It's not anywhere near as good as what I normally write, but I felt like writing it and it helped with my feelings. So please read it!

Miss Drama,

Tay

Free and Broken

I hate this. Pretending to smile and laugh like this. Hoping beyond hope that no one notices the sadness hidden behind my eyes. I can’t stand the voice of his friend behind us, calling over with comments about his feelings towards one of my best friends. Tears want to prick at my eyes, but I won’t let them. Instead, I nudge her and tell her that she should go for it. I know she deserves him, and I know that he likes her. I know her. If he asks, she’ll be extremely tempted to accept. My only hope, as shameful as it is, is that he never gets up the courage. Part of me wants him to, though. Then I will never have to wonder if he ever thinks about her or regrets not asking her at some point in his life. If he asks and she accepts or declines, at least he would have tried and maybe could get over her if she says no or they break up. It’s a risk, but maybe I’m willing to wait to see if there’s a possibility I could win. I want him so bad. I want that look in his eyes to be directed at me. I want that longing, those comments, that feeling in my stomach. I want it all so bad that it hurts. My smile never falters, however, as she looks away. I know she’s interested in someone else, and she doesn’t know what to do. I try to help her reach a decision, but it’s hard, considering I don’t even know what I want. The only thing I’m certain of is that I want him.

I had him once, two years ago. He was interested, we flirted, but it didn't go anywhere. I regret not acting on my feelings like I should've, but I know I couldn't. I was tied down, but now I’m free. Free and broken.

Smiles are forced. Laughter is too loud. I know my other best friend notices. Ten years of friendship has trained her to recognize the signs. She frowns at me and gives me a look. I just give her a pleading glance and then look away. It hurts so much that I want to curl up and sob. But I can’t. I have to keep pretending. My friendship depends on it. If my heart dies, or if I go insane, it will be worth it. She will be happy, and so will he. And that’s what matters to me.

So I shut off that voice in the back of my head telling me that I should be in her place, I put on my fake smile, and I laugh too loudly, all the while remembering wanting this freedom, not realizing that it would come at a price. So here I am, free and broken.

Always found heartbroken,

Tay