dreams.

so...
*cough*
i've kinda...
got news.
not big news, mind you, just...
well, i don't really know what to think.
see, i had this dream last night and it's kinda went along with stuff i've been feeling lately.
it was pretty scary, actually.
i don't remember specifically what was scary, but i do remember being scared.
but then one of my friends (i've been talking to him a lot lately) shows up...
and he holds my hand.
and i start to feel safe.
for the first time, i feel safe.
...
and i also feel this shock that runs through my body and my heart feels like it skipped a beat.
...
so...
yeah.
he kinda goes to a different school.
he's a year older than me.
he plays guitar.
yeah.
and i kinda might have a bit (only a bit) of a crush on him.
MAYBE.
i still haven't figured it out yet.

so that was just something that i had to get off of my chest.
i haven't told anyone yet, so shhhh...

feeling a litle odd about this whole thing,
tay

average...

so today i saw momma mia..
and i thought it was good...
but mostly because i tend to like musicals (excluding high school musical).
the acting wasn't impressive, but the overall outlook was pretty cool.
plus i love greece, so it was kinda up my ally.

anyway, so i saw it with my two best friends and then we hung out in the mall for a little bit.
i LOVE hanging out with them.
it's like i'm back home, at school, when even though i feel like i'm drowning, i know that they'll keep me from anything too traumatizing.
and then we went back to one of their houses and worked on what we were going to use to audition for beauty and the beast.
it was overall the highlight of my day.
aside from working on bio homework, lol.

having a pretty average day,
tay

winter please come!

*groans*
i miss winter sooooooo much.
or even late fall.
i'll take either.
is this weird or what, but i've been taking cold showers (which feel amazing btw) just to remember feeling cold.
i miss sweatshirts and the ability to bury myself inside one to escape all of the things in my life i don't wanna deal with.
i miss scarves and boots and i even miss snow, even though i hate the stuff.
i miss christmas too.
the carols, the countdown calenders, the decorations...
*groans again*
have i mentioned just how much i HATE summer???

it's way too hot outside, my father often refuses to turn on the air conditioning and decides to open up all the windows to the heat instead, i miss all of my friends who i saw every day and don't anymore, i'm not at home b/c i'm not at school, and i never laugh as much in the summer.
i love my family, don't get me wrong, but i feel at home at school.
it feels like i know so much more about that place and the people i'm around there than i do here...

so yeah.
i now turn my fan up full blast and take cold showers before bed just so that i can get that affect.
i don't think marching season could come fast enough.

wishing jack frost would nip at her nose,
tay

interesting stuff... NOT

so today was actually a good day!
besides having an annoying dentist appointment, i got to hang out in the band room for an hour, hangout with my two best friends all day, and NOT have to do homework!
lol.
i really like the homework actually (please don't be cruel), so i'm happy that i get to work on it tomorrow.

so yeah.
no cavities, but unfortunately i was criticized about my lack of flossing.
so along with fixing my posture, i really wanna start remembering to floss.

wow, this seems like a really boring post, talking about dentist appointments and non-eventful hanging out, so i'm going to go back to my grey's anatomy and stop boring all of you.

just remember, it's either this boring catch up stuff, or ranting about my love life.
until something interesting happens, my future posts might be more like this.
*shrugs*
but whatever.

waiting to see mcdreamy again,
tay

finally stopping this stupid ranting

so i'm done venting.
i'm done talking about him.
i'm just done.

i felt (and still feel) like i was a patient at a hospital, too weak to move.
laying on a bed, light blue sheets pulled up to my chest, my head turned to the left as my eyes slowly open and conciousness floods my mind.
my head's too weak to even turn.
i glance down to see the tubes coming out of my arms... i can feel them coming out of my nose...
i shut my eyes as i try to move the discomfort out of my mind.
opening them and taking in the dark figure sitting in the corner is the only thing that works.
it's a boy...
no.
it's a man.
and he's sitting at a table.
there's a mirror on the wall for some reason.
and he's staring into it.
he hasn't even noticed that i'm awake.
it doesn't even look like he knows i'm in the room.
but yet he's in the room.
why?
i want to speak aloud, but i don't think i can.
tears want to flood my eyes, but i can't even do that.
i can't even cry.
all i can do is shut my eyes and pretend that i'm alone.
because i mine-as-well be.

and that's how i'm feeling.
alone.
scared.
and forgotten.

it feels like bruses are covering my body.

but i'm sick of talking about it.
i'm sick of talking about NOTHING but HIM on this site.
this is MY blog not HIS.
and it seems that there's more about him on here then me!!!

so lets start over.
the rule about no relationship talk is back.

well, lets see.
i woke up and immediately started working on my bio homework (because our teacher gave us a bucket load of it over the summer).
then i decided to procrastinate it until eight tonight, when i worked on it more for an hour and a half.
believe me, i like bio.
i do.
more than i thought i would, but i guess it's good that at least this class i'll enjoy.
unless my new english teacher is better than my last one, i can't see liking english again.
however, we were forced to read a pretty interesting book this summer.
it's called 1984.
and even though the beginning is slow, i actually enjoyed reading the end.
it's medamorphosis that i'm NOT looking forward to reading.
i mean, who cares about a guy who wakes up and becomes a giant COCKROACH?
seriously?!
but at least it's oober short and i should have it done in a couple of hours at the most.

so yeah, i'm actually happy about being in bio (i'm sure THAT opinion will change) and i'm oober happy that i'm happy about being in bio b/c i've finally made a huge life-choice decision!!!
i'm going to become a pediatrition!!!
yey!!!
it seems that all these years i've THOUGHT i was scared of blood and stuff, but i'm really not. i just said that b/c everyone else was scared.
but i've worked with my blood and other people's blood before and not batted an eyelash.
so yeah.
that, plus the fact that i really really really feel like i'm ment to work with children made me make my final decision.
so yeah.
yey for me!
i guess it's also a plus that i THINK i might be good at bio.
>.<

that's right.
i DO have a life other than my pathetic love life.
it's just that whenever i get a chance to get on here, it's at night.
and at night, i tend to dwell on the stressfull stuff.
and my love life is extreamly stressfull.

i just don't want you readers out there thinking that guys are all i think about b/c that's not the case.
but i am a teenager, so guys are a main part of my life. especially b/c most of them are my best friends.

so for the first time in a while, i'm smiling when i finish a blog entry.
believe me, things really are starting to look up.

believing that the sun is starting to shine again,
tay

I'M DONE!!!

i can't even begin to explain just what i'm feeling right now.
normally words like, 'lonely' or 'frustrated' would work, but even those don't fit right now.
i just feel...
alone.
dead alone.
and it's all my fault i'm feeling this way.
...
actually, no it's not.
it's not my fault that all he did was try to make out with me.
it's not my fault that i felt smothered and angry.
it's not my fault that i feel like i need someone there to JUST FREAKIN' HOLD ME WITHOUT TRYING TO KISS ME!!!
it's not my fault that his ex is always gonna be there.
and it's definitely not my fault that he's not responding to texts.

so you know what?
*wipes tears angrily from face*
i'm SICK of this.
i'm DONE crying.
i'm DONE thinking about him.
and i'm DONE with this whole situation.
I'M DONE.

and even though i'm heartbroken that i can't see the full moon tonight, i know it's there.
and i hope that maybe tonight, God will answer my prayers and finally send me my summer boys to make all of this go away.
*squeezes eyes shut*
please...

wanting nothing more to do with boys (they're better as friends),

tay

such a hypocrite.

i feel so alone.
and i feel really selfish saying that considering i've gotten nothing but attention this past week, what with me being sick and all, but it's like all of a sudden this huge wave of loneliness crashed down on me and i had no controll over it.
and i shouldn't feel alone.
i mean, i'm the one ignoring calls and avoiding him.
i'm the one who doesn't want to see him.
*voice breaks*
i'm the one who's scared...
*hands pull at hair*
why the HELL am i so scared?!
*lip trembles*
why am i like this?
so...
demented and broken?
and why do i miss a completely different guy?
a guy i haven't seen in a really, really long time.
who, for all i know, may have a girlfriend.
but...
i've always imagioned that if i ever had a summer fling, it'd be with him.
most definately it would be with him.
...
but he's not here.
he hasn't been for the past year.
i moved on.
dreamed other fantasies.
*chuckles dryly*
crushed on other guys (emphasis on the 'crush').
but just like every summer, his name enters my head.
it's like clockwork.
and now there's someone else.
someone who i can't handle seeing right now, even though i'm seeing him tomorrow.

god, i don't know if i can see him tomorrow.
i don't know how i'm going to handle it.
thankfully, afterwords i'm going to get to go back to school and help build sets for our fall production of 'beauty and the beast', so hopefully my friends from drama will be there to cheer me up.
*smiles weakly*

i'm such a hypocrite for simultaneously pushing away a guy who i was falling for and feeling so lonely.
i am so messed up.

starting to feel just how mangled her heart really is,
tay

blahhh...

i hate this.
i hate myself for doing this again.
i hate my heart for feeling like this.
and i hate him.
i hate him for continuing this stupid thing, whatever it is.
i hate him for never listening to ME.
i hate him for being stupid superman when i need him to be normal. at least just for a while. so that when i'm sick he can just hold me. it doesn't have to be constant kissing.
i hate that when i'm around him, i don't ever feel like myself. i feel self-concious, stupid, young, scared...

i don't know what happened.
i was sick, he offered to come over, and i accepted.
so he came over, we went in my basement, started to watch titanic, but of course can we just watch the movie?
oh no.
do you wanna know why?
because he's a stupid boy who can't keep their hormones in check.
but did it ever occur to him that all i wanted to do was watch the damn movie??? did it ever occur to him that i was SICK??? and therefore TIRED???
it's like it's all about HIM!!! only i was too blind to see it before.
well as soon as he left and all the next day, i started to feel that feeling that was like, 'wow, he's way too clingy and way too close. i just want him OFF of me. i need to breathe!!!'. so i shut off my phone all day.
it was like heaven!
and then today, when we were supposed to hang out, i played the sick card and shut off my phone shortly after again.
i know, i know, it's rude.
and it's insensitive.
but i can't deal with this right now.
i can't deal with HIM!
i can't deal with his stupid ego and his stupid selfishness.
and i'm not sure how long this frustration is going to last.

*deep sigh*
and believe me, this all sounds WAY worse than it is.
he's a gentleman.
i haven't been a jerk (for the most part).
and the whole situation is probably going to go away soon.
in the mean time, i have no idea what i'm going to do.
it's not like i can break up with him.
he's not my boyfriend.
and this 'turning the cell phone off' thing seems to be working, but i do feel bad about it.
*another deep sigh*
and the worst part is, this whole thing kinda resembles what happened with my first boyfriend over a year ago.
the smothering thing, the selfishness thing, it's all so similar.
and that scares me.

so if any of you have any suggestions, i'm open to hearing about them.

and btw, i am feeling better.
i was supposed to find out if i have mono today, but b/c they never called, i'm assuming that i don't.
so yey!

wanting to forget any of this ever happened,
tay

bad readers!!!

ug.
*sneeze*
*cough*
*hack*
yes, that's right.
i'm offically sick.
which is weird, b/c i'm NEVER sick.
EVER.
so how exactly this happened, i really don't know.
all i know is that i couldn't walk yesterday and had the most massive head-ache ever.

oh, and who watched the season finale of 'the bachalerette' yesterday???
'cause i did!
and i can't believe jesse won!
i thought for SURE it would be jason.
needless to say i was very upset.
which probably made my sickness even worse.
maybe i could sue... (jk)


alright, well i know what you must be wondering; what's going on with the guy who you dedicated the last entry to?
well, lets just say that we hang out at least once a week, i see him more than i should (for the sake of my heart), and i get a kiss goodbye whenever he has to leave.
*deep sigh*
so yeah. you could say i'm in trouble.
did i mention that at my flag captin's grad party, he showed up late?
and me and my friends were swinging on her jungle gym and he came up behind me and scared me to death.
...
well, alright that's a lie.
it was dark, but not THAT dark.
i pretended to be scared.
but still.
then my friends took off to go hang out and he spent the whole time flirting with me and kissing me.
i felt like the only girl in the world.

alright.
that's all you're getting.
no details.
and do you want to know WHY???
because none of you have commented!!!
hey, i know you're out there and you care about what happens!!!
don't pretend that you don't.
so be good little readers and COMMENT!!!

*yawn*
well, it's pretty late for a sick girl to still be up, so i'm gonna go to bed now.
g'night all!

hoping tomorrow she can walk,
tay