blahhh...

i hate this.
i hate myself for doing this again.
i hate my heart for feeling like this.
and i hate him.
i hate him for continuing this stupid thing, whatever it is.
i hate him for never listening to ME.
i hate him for being stupid superman when i need him to be normal. at least just for a while. so that when i'm sick he can just hold me. it doesn't have to be constant kissing.
i hate that when i'm around him, i don't ever feel like myself. i feel self-concious, stupid, young, scared...

i don't know what happened.
i was sick, he offered to come over, and i accepted.
so he came over, we went in my basement, started to watch titanic, but of course can we just watch the movie?
oh no.
do you wanna know why?
because he's a stupid boy who can't keep their hormones in check.
but did it ever occur to him that all i wanted to do was watch the damn movie??? did it ever occur to him that i was SICK??? and therefore TIRED???
it's like it's all about HIM!!! only i was too blind to see it before.
well as soon as he left and all the next day, i started to feel that feeling that was like, 'wow, he's way too clingy and way too close. i just want him OFF of me. i need to breathe!!!'. so i shut off my phone all day.
it was like heaven!
and then today, when we were supposed to hang out, i played the sick card and shut off my phone shortly after again.
i know, i know, it's rude.
and it's insensitive.
but i can't deal with this right now.
i can't deal with HIM!
i can't deal with his stupid ego and his stupid selfishness.
and i'm not sure how long this frustration is going to last.

*deep sigh*
and believe me, this all sounds WAY worse than it is.
he's a gentleman.
i haven't been a jerk (for the most part).
and the whole situation is probably going to go away soon.
in the mean time, i have no idea what i'm going to do.
it's not like i can break up with him.
he's not my boyfriend.
and this 'turning the cell phone off' thing seems to be working, but i do feel bad about it.
*another deep sigh*
and the worst part is, this whole thing kinda resembles what happened with my first boyfriend over a year ago.
the smothering thing, the selfishness thing, it's all so similar.
and that scares me.

so if any of you have any suggestions, i'm open to hearing about them.

and btw, i am feeling better.
i was supposed to find out if i have mono today, but b/c they never called, i'm assuming that i don't.
so yey!

wanting to forget any of this ever happened,
tay