such a hypocrite.

i feel so alone.
and i feel really selfish saying that considering i've gotten nothing but attention this past week, what with me being sick and all, but it's like all of a sudden this huge wave of loneliness crashed down on me and i had no controll over it.
and i shouldn't feel alone.
i mean, i'm the one ignoring calls and avoiding him.
i'm the one who doesn't want to see him.
*voice breaks*
i'm the one who's scared...
*hands pull at hair*
why the HELL am i so scared?!
*lip trembles*
why am i like this?
so...
demented and broken?
and why do i miss a completely different guy?
a guy i haven't seen in a really, really long time.
who, for all i know, may have a girlfriend.
but...
i've always imagioned that if i ever had a summer fling, it'd be with him.
most definately it would be with him.
...
but he's not here.
he hasn't been for the past year.
i moved on.
dreamed other fantasies.
*chuckles dryly*
crushed on other guys (emphasis on the 'crush').
but just like every summer, his name enters my head.
it's like clockwork.
and now there's someone else.
someone who i can't handle seeing right now, even though i'm seeing him tomorrow.

god, i don't know if i can see him tomorrow.
i don't know how i'm going to handle it.
thankfully, afterwords i'm going to get to go back to school and help build sets for our fall production of 'beauty and the beast', so hopefully my friends from drama will be there to cheer me up.
*smiles weakly*

i'm such a hypocrite for simultaneously pushing away a guy who i was falling for and feeling so lonely.
i am so messed up.

starting to feel just how mangled her heart really is,
tay