goodbye tears!

alright, so today's filming wasn't TOO horrible. i didn't end up shedding a tear, but all i had to do was act upset and my director said it was perfectly believable and even if we don't end up being happy with it we can come back and shoot it on a different day.

so yeah. drama over. now i've got to figure out HOW i'm going to get through MAKING OUT with my romantic opposite. and he really likes me. and i don't like him back. can we say AWKWARD??? well, at least i can make it believable. i just hope he doesn't make it awkward. :-/

ah well. i'm not filming tomorrow, so that's all i care about right now.

oh, and i started summer gym today. fun. NOT!

so now i'm tired, yucky, and my hair is disgusting, so i'm going to go shower, make popcorn, and then read a book for the rest of the night.

my phone will be plugged in so that no one can bother me either. *cough*stupidboy*cough*

oh! but before i go, i must report a most unusual sighting in the neigborhood!

a few days ago, i needed a new bathing suit so my mom and i were going shopping. so we're coming home from shopping and we want to pick up my brother and his friend so that we can all go to a couple of garage sales. well, as we were going down our street to pick up said brother and friend, my mom points out this guy who neither of us have seen before. and he's doing something to the pathway of one of our widower's house. and he's kinda sorta gorgeous.

maybe sixteen or seventeen, he had this really shaggy black hair that i would DIE for. (i love guys with black hair) and he gave me this look as we passed by. it wasn't a look i'd ever seen before. and it wasn't flirtatious (which makes sense b/c i was kinda disgusting then too AND had my glasses on), but it wasn't a 'you're really weird' look either. idk what it was.

and then we saw him again on the way home from going to the garage sales and this time he was sitting in the same yard, leaning against a tree right next to the road, and talking on his cell phone. kinda weird, but i've seen weirder.

i was thinking about it later that day and decided that if i saw him again i would introduce myself.

i haven't seen him since, however.

well, i just thought i'd share that tidbit of info into my home life. that's the most that's happened in a while, so, as you can tell, things have been pretty quiet.

alright, well i'm going to go shower now so that i feel better.

feels a lot better,

tay

stupid tears

gahhhh... so tomorrow i've got the first day of summer gym AND filming, like, right after that. :(

it doesn't help that tomorrow's scene entails me crying. on cue. and i'm a little nervous about it.

i mean if i read the lines right and am in the mood to cry, then i might pull it off. i'm just afraid it won't happen and i'll let everyone down.

so yeah. there's my current problem.

i'm going to go through the scene at least ten times after this, but i'm still going to be nervous.

the scene itself is basically me explaining to the man i love about how my father killed my mother when i was a little kid. my director keeps telling me to become my character and relate it to my life. except the fact that nothing remotely close to this has happened to me before. and i'm not that great of an actress. so yeah. now what?

currently i'm reading the lines slowly and emotionally, all the while picturing all of my favorite students in the situation in the story.

it works up until a certain point. i get teary and i sob a couple of times, but no real tears have been shed. WHAT DO I DO???

man i wish people would still come to my blog and give me advice. any advice. i mean, come on! two of the people on my links are actors.

*deep sigh* but i'm the one who has to do it tomorrow.

i just wish there wasn't so much pressure to get it right.

nervous and a little scared,

tay

free hugs!

so today was, like, the best day ever! i got to hang out with three amazing friends and play the best game of monkey in the middle ever played.
seriously, no one can beat the game we played.

plus, two of the three people go to a different high school, so it was nice to see them again. junior high seems so long ago.

and then i watched two movies today. '27 dresses' and 'bella'. both were good, but after watching both of them in a row, i feel kinda sad and i'm not sure why. i guess it's because summer is a lonely time for me and after seeing two of my friends being all lovey-dovey today, i feel really alone.

i'm not complaining, mind you. i mean, my guy situation is at a halt currently. (after discussing that we would let whatever happen, happen, i've been a little hesitant to accept his offers to pick me up and hang at the mall or see a movie. plus, as far as the phone goes, there hasn't been much to talk about. he still called me twice this morning, though. i missed both of his calls, and i didn't call back. no doubt he was caddying at the golf course around the corner and wanted to hang out. great. NOT falling for this guy is going to be hard) but it's my fault it's like that. i'm the one keeping them at a distance. i'm the one who was hurt and now i dodge, not only his calls, but most guys'. i feel so hypocritical saying i'm lonely and then keeping him and all other guys at a distance, but i can be lonely and scared at the same time, right?

i just don't feel like i can get into anything yet. my last guy situation hurt more than i thought it would for some reason, and now i'm paying the price. i said i wouldn't let myself like him too, and then i let myself like him a little bit and i got my heart bruised. and that was only a crush. i can't afford to really fall for someone. not yet. not until this stupid bruise heals.

so yeah. now i'm wondering why every time i write on this blog i end up going on and on about my romantic situation, even though the rule was that i was to never mention it. ah well. no one visits here anymore anyway. ... right?

if you're reading this, let me know. i would like to know that what i'm writing, someone out there is sympathizing with.

needing a hug right now,

tay

yeah, yeah, i know.

okay, hi everyone! i realize that i haven't posted in a while, but school ends tomorrow and i have a feeling that i'm going to have some time on my hands... at least for the next week, which i have off. so i'm posting an update.

first, and always most importantly in a girl's mind, my current romantic life. let's start juicy!

okay, well any and all guy problems i've posted here are irrelevant. over. done. even though they've been dead for a while, i just thought i'd re-enforce that. now, for the current situation; in march i went to state thesbian conference with a couple friends and while i was there i was introduced to a friend of a friend. he's a senior. a senior at a different high school than mine. and he's italian. let's just say yummy...

only there was a slight problem... he had a girlfriend. whom he was in love with. deeply. but they were having relationship issues. so okay, the whole trip him and i flirted and stuff and talked a bit. we exchanged numbers, end of story. he had a girlfriend and i told myself i wouldn't fall for him. that was working enormasly well.

and then she broke up with him.

he was a mess. he would call me and we would talk about it and yeah. i felt okay b/c i knew he was still in love with her. not a big deal, right? well then, you know the movie i'm doing? he tried out for it!!! and got a part!!! so i saw him. a lot. and we flirted. a lot.

i know most of you are probably like, 'wow tay, that's the perfect way to NOT fall for a guy.' but it was working. it truely was. his flirting helped me with my loneliness and my flirting helped him ease his pain.

and then after a while, our phone conversations changed. they became less about her and more about me. weird.

and then... we had our most recent read-through. lets just say that he and i were pretty much joined by the hip the whole freaking night. and we talked. a lot. i told him things. things i didn't really mean to ever tell him. and he understood. and BELIEVED ME!!! now THAT is weird.

and then, when i had to leave, he walked me to the door, i hugged him goodbye... and it was kinda like he wanted to kiss me, but i didn't let him. i said bye and ran out the door.

smooth taylor. really smooth.

so yeah. he and i have talked about it. i'm afraid of getting hurt and that's what would happen if we got together. but... we've pretty much said that whatever happens, happens. lovely.

so yeah. now i'm a bit confused and still not sure if i'm willing to let myself like him. it's all so weird.

alright, well that's my current situation. no other guy than the occasional flirt.

so now on to the topic of exams!!! i've taken three out of my five and have my other two tomorrow. i know, i know, i should be studying, but it's five in the afternoon. i have all night. and i've been studying for days. and i'm tired. and all i want to do is put in gilmore girls and fall asleep listening to their fast-paced dialogue and fantisizing about lukilei fluff...

well... i guess i'll do that later after i'm done studying. which will end up being tomorrow.

and i should call some people... including mr italian senior guy... but i hate the phone, so i guess i'll talk to people when i feel like dealing with everything.

wish me luck on my geometry and science exams tomorrow.

proudly wearing her artistic arms,

tay

Someone?... Anyone?... Nope. Just me. As always.

I need help, but I don't know where to go. I'm confused and just want to go to someone who understands.

Sure, I tried out for it, but I only tried out for a small role! I didn't ask to be the lead! And now the director, who apparently has a huge crush on me, is casting himself as my romantic opposite because no one else showed up.

It doesn't help that I think his crush had a big part to do with me getting casted. I mean, I know I'm not that great of an actress or a singer! So how did I get this part???

I don't know what I'm gonna do and I really need someone to talk to me about it. I just need advice.

I just need a friend.

Determined not to cry even though the I can't see through the tears,

Tay

Quick Update

Hey everyone! Sorry it's been a while since my last post, but I've been kinda busy lately. I don't even know where to begin!

Well, lets start out with my current social life. The stupid guy is still there, but I'm moving on. It's not going to happen and I'm letting it go. So far, this has been easier said then done, mostly because it feels like every time I get close to moving on, he finds a way to imput himself into my life somehow, but I don't think he means to do it. Personally, I don't even think he likes me anymore, so you know... as if I wasn't depressed enough...

Anyway, moving on to other matters, let me just say that I feel the need to announce to the world that Claire and Drew are FINALLY TOGETHER!!! Congrats you two!!! I'm so proud!!! Yeah, so things in that drama department are actually pretty quiet. As far as I know, they're happy and things are going great, so... yeah! We're all pretty happy about it!

But, things can't all be perfect. K, as I've decided to call him (see former posts), is still in love with someone he has no busness being in love with!!! I don't know how many times I can tell him to move on!!! He just won't listen!!! If he keeps getting this attached to the guy, he's going to end up completely crushed by the time this thing is over. And I can only feel sorry for him to a point.

As for my family stuff, this summer we're going to PA!!! Yey!!! I miss my aunts, uncles, and cousins a lot, so it'll be good to see them again... other than that... there's really nothing going on in that area either.

So lets see... today I'm going to go to my church to meet with a youth group leader (or something along those lines) to talk about me getting more involved with my church. I love my church and it makes me sad that we only go once a year, so I've talked to my dad about it a lot and finally we've decided to do something about it. See, my family believes in God and all that, but between my mom not really being into the whole organized religion thing and my dad's outragious sleeping patterns as the result of his job, we haven't ever found the need to go in the past. And I have to admit that I was never sorry about that when I was little. I liked sleeping in every Sunday and I loved being able to run downstairs and help make pancakes instead of getting into fancy clothes for church. And then that stupid tree happened and my views on stuff changed. A lot changed for me after that night. Between that and my grandfather's death the previous year, I was starting to get warmed up to the idea of going to church. But of course, my family still liked the idea of sleeping in on Sunday. So here I've been for the past two years. Wanting to go to church and not being able to. And it's almost too late to do anything because I know virtually nothing about religion, God, Jesus, or anything relating to those three things. I believe that there is a God and that Jesus really was his son, I believe it all, I just don't know anything about it other than that. When you're me (some of you know what I'm talking about) and you have the, well, 'condition' that I have, you really don't have any other choice then to believe in God. I just feel bad for having this *cough* um, 'condition' and not knowing anything about the religious beliefs behind it. I feel like I've been given a gift that I know nothing about.

So yeah, after that I'm going to go into work for a couple hours and have fun with my students and then I'm going to come home and sleep for ten billion hours.

So that's me right now. I'll keep you updated as things change.

Wishing that summer would just come already,

Tay

PS; I will try to get out the next chapter of SS before break ends, but I can't promise it will get done. :( I'll try though, I promise.

Arms to Hold Me Needed

I'm so confused that it isn't even funny. But I'm not going to skip right to me. No, I'm gonna start from the beginning.

So it started a few days ago when I was talking to one of my best friends. He is bi and he had a girlfriend who was another of my best friends. He had hurt her a few months back, but then fell for her again and this time, they ended up going out. The thing is though that he's always had this thing for this guy who he's known all year who's two years older than him (and straight btw). Well, I was talking to my friend and he and I basically came to the conclusion that he was 'in love' with this guy and he had to tell his girlfriend and stop leading her on like that.

Okay, so, just to make the situation even more complicated, lets enter me and my best friend who are talking on the phone later that day and are getting kinda mad at our other best friend for hurting his girlfriend for the second time this year. We start to decide that it would probably end up being better if she hears it from one of us instead of him. So we call her. She's not home. She calls my best friend back later and she tells her. I then talk to her about an hour later, she's in tears (obviously) and then I had to go to my brother's soccer game, so I didn't hear anymore.

Then enter the other side of the relationship, him. Lets call him... K. So I get a call from K about an hour after I got home from the soccer game. He's kinda pissed at me and my other best friend (Claire) for telling his 'girlfriend' (now calling her S) about him wanting to break up with her. Can't really blame him, but we did it for S, not him. So I kinda calm him down, he's not mad at me at least, and we hang up.

K and S obviously broke up and are now in some sort of awkward friends thingie, but whatever. I'm done getting involved (I know, I say that all the time, but this time I'm actually gonna try harder).

And, believe it or not, around that same time, guess who decides to enter himself into the picture again??? Yeah... I think you can figure it out.

AND, to add to it all, I've been sick for the past two days. Between stress, this whole friends crisis, this guy, school, and this stupid sickness, I've been on the verge of tears for the past three days. And I can't figure out why I got sick in the first place!!! I NEVER get sick! Never! And somehow I get sick NOW??? And of course I couldn't skip school today. Not with two tests and a quiz. It sucked. I'll admit that yesterday was worse, but still. Today was kinda bad. The only good part was that I got to sleep in third period and a bit during lunch, but not much. Being the only girl is my favorite part of lunch (shhh....), but it does pose a problem when you're sleep deprived (suprisingly enough, sick people don't get a lot of sleep), stressed (stupid school... stupid friends... stupid boys...), and food deprived (I don't eat much to begin with and add being sick to that, lets just say that dinner is the only meal when I haven't been eating like a bird). I love the guys, but they can be a little loud. Especially when they're shooting bottle caps at lunch ladies (sam, lol).

So yeah. Sorry about that long story. I just needed a venting session. It felt good too. And again, if you're reading this, I really want more comments. As some of you may know, I've felt really lonely this past month and if anyone comments it would really make me smile. I might even cry. I don't know. With my current emotional state, it's hard to tell.

Wishing that the room would stop spinning,

Tay

Whatever

Okay... so apparently I was right in thinking that no one visits my site anymore. That's kinda depressing in a way, but yet I can't help but think of how releaving that is. Now I can go back to six months ago when I could post whatever the hell I wanted. Cool.

Alright, well, as for my previous situation... it really hasn't gone away. But now I've at least figured out that I think that it's better if I don't date this guy. Maybe being friends is just what we were ment to be and that's that. I just wish we could continue getting to know each other just as friends.

The biggest thing I hate about this is that I can't help but hope that something more will happen. I know it won't, but I'm just one of those people who don't like to give up hope. Normally it's a good thing, but in situations like this, I can't stand that about me. And all this time I'm wondering if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Am I supposed to like him or am I supposed to try really hard to get over him? I just... UHHH!!! I HATE HIGH SCHOOL!!!

*takes deep breath* Fine. Well... in other news, I've got a Flag Corps competition this weekend (Saturday) and I'm pumped! Our routine is really hard, but really cool, and even though it's not perfect yet, I know it'll be amazing. So yeah. I'm really excited!

Umm.... not much else going on now... I've got a World Studies test on Friday (which I'm not looking forward to by the way) and some sort of French project due Friday too. Kinda been a busy week, but so far I'm not in too deep yet.

So yeah. Now I'm gonna go meditate and try to get my mind centered... on something other than my frusterating situation.

Craving Sour Patch Kids,

Tay

PS; I've also missed my summer boys a lot lately and I couldn't figure out why until recently. I think it's because sitting up with the older brother on his father's truck and watching our little brothers wrestle, I felt like I belonged and nothing else mattered in the world. All of my stress and all of my problems dissappeared and instead we would laugh at absolutely nothing. We made up stuff like 'lamp sized fireflies' and 'martin bugs' and stuff like that. I mean, really stupid stuff... but it didn't matter how stupid it was. Because it was us. And with us... it was okay to be a little stupid. God I miss that beat up old truck...

Okay, so I know I vowed never to talk about my love life here anymore, but I need to break that rule for, like, the next five minutes. I think it's okay because it seems that everyone's transferred from Blogspot to Myspace and no one updates or comments anymore, and even if someone comes back, I can always delete this later.

So (I'm not gonna use names; I'm not stupid), Valentine's Day is officially over and I'm relieved. I wasn't expecting anything and I didn't get anything. Yey. But the thing is that I do like this guy... but I'm terrified. I don't want another relationship where I don't know who the guy actually is before I go out with them. I hate awkwardness and after my last relationship, I'm also afraid of it. So I'm trying to get to know this guy and it's going okay until he stops. Just stops. And I don't know what to do about it. Should I push, or would that be nagging? Or should I just let it go and not worry about it? I mean, if this isn't happening then maybe it's not ment to be, right? I'm just worried about letting go of something that could become something great, but what if it isn't great? What if it sucks and I'm stuck being in the same situation I was in a few months ago. I really don't want to break up with another guy any time soon. I just... it's hard to let this go. I feel empty because I feel like I'm so close but still so far away. I really want to just NOT like him anymore and MOVE ON, but it's like my soul won't let me. And I can't help but wonder if there's a reason for that...

So I've been wanting to say this for a while now and I feel good now that I have, but I'm still a little nervous that someone's gonna read it and question me about it. If you do read this and know me personally, please don't interrogate me *cough*CLAIRE*cough*. Believe me, I've been doing enough thinking lately.

It doesn't help that I feel this loneliness that won't seem to go away and I feel almost hollow inside... except for when I'm around him... then it's like I'm almost whole. I'm not, but I almost feel it. I taste it. I want to know what it's like to be with someone who makes me laugh, someone who I can talk about nothing and everything with, and someone who will hold me when I need to cry.

Stupid February and stupid Valentine's Day for making me feel so numb when I want to feel so alive.

Knowing that my meditation will probably have some tears involved,

Tay

PS; It doesn't matter if I know you or not, I just need some sort of advice to tell me what to do so PLEASE comment!!!

PPS; I'm gonna work on chapter three of The Spirit Sisters this weekend and will hopefully have it edited by Tuesday so that I can publish it around then.

Valentine's Day Rant

I hate February. I hate it with a passion. Even more, I hate Valentine's Day. And yes, I know how bitter I sound, but I don't care. Valentine's Day is just another excuse for people who aren't single to rub in the fact that us single people have no one. This whole month is filled with commercials and adds and constant reminders filled with roses and chocolates and jewlery. Being the romantic I am, you would think I'm like the biggest supporter of Valentine's Day, but in reality, from my point of view, I think that any day could be the one that people find each other. That's why I smile everyday. I believe that every five minutes someone meets their soul mate. Valentine's Day takes something that should be left to fate and makes it commercial and puts a price on it. For those unfortunate beings who have either lost that special person or simply haven't found them, it makes them feel cold and lonely. It sucks.

And it's not that I'm bitter. I mean, I've dated a couple guys within the past year, so it's not like I haven't had a social life or anything, but I always seem to find myself single and alone during this month. And this year it seems to be much worse than normal. I almost feel like I'm so close to having something special but can't seem to reach it. I feel lonely and depressed and I feel like I've met either one or two people who could fix it, but simply aren't. I just... I can't stand this empty feeling. I feel like it's eating me alive. I haven't genuinely laughed since lunch two days ago and I don't know what to do about it. I feel powerless.

The scary thing is that I'm afraid that this feeling won't go away after this month. I mean, what if I feel this lonely for months after this? I mean, I'm not seriously depressed or anti-social or anything. I have laughed and smiled and enjoyed myself this month, I just feel tired, sick, and I have this ache. It's just a minor case of loneliness. I just wish someone would hold me and say it's gonna be alright without it being one of my parents or one of my girl friends. Ah well. I guess I'm ment to have another Valentine's Day alone and watch my closest friends suffer from the same symptoms.

Hoping I can hold myself together this week,

Tay

PS; On a happier note that I forgot to mention, opening night was last night and it was amazing! Seriously, we were great and everyone's shows were perfect! I got a flower from two of my guy friends (one is my best friend's boyfriend, the other my ex. yeah, believe me, I know) and got so many hugs that my arms ached at the end of the night. I hope more people show up tonight, though. Last night it was kinda dead...

How Many Of You Are Truely Surprised?

I am sooooooo incredibly pissed off at the moment. One of my best friends is being such a jerk. My friend C and I have been freaking out for like a year about what we're going to do once we graduate, and I figured it out about a month ago, and she figured it out recently, like less than a week ago. But in order for her plan to work, she had to rearrange some classes. I supported her and said that it was okay for her to do this as long as she stuck to it and knew that this was something she really wanted to do. My other friend however doesn't believe she'll stick with it, says it's just a phase, and has continued to give her negative feedback. I could spit at him.

Then, yeah, there's more, because we're supposed to have rehersal together today and it's really important because it's the first with costumes, I asked him if he knew. He said he wasn't coming because HE DIDN'T WANT TO!!! He also used some excuse with his mom and something else, but nothing that would seriously prevent him from getting to rehersal. I'm sooooooooo PISSED AT HIM!!!! I just can't BELIEVE someone would do that. I just can't.

Okay, I need to change the subject before I say stuff that I'll regret. Alright, so yesterday my neighbor's grandkids from out of town came for a visit! I got to hang out with the older sister for about four hours yesterday afternoon and we played a LOT of Guitar Hero III, but then I had to go to a party for my father's work. After that, though, her two younger brothers, ages 11 and 13 came over and hung out with me and my younger bro. It was cool because while the 11 year old and my younger brother were playing some Star Wars game, the older brother and I got to talk. It felt good to be able to really talk to a guy. I haven't been able to for a while.

After they left I went to my meditation and sat there thinking that I haven't been able to talk to this guy I'm mad at in forever. He doesn't understand anymore. He's selfish now and conceited. I miss my best friend from seventh grade. The guy who would listen to us and, although he imputed his views, he still supported us and believed in us. Now I feel like he's gone and I don't have a guy to lean on anymore. I miss that.

So as I sat there, thinking about how it was easier to talk to this 13 year old than to one of my best friends, it really hit me how my good friend from out of town was a better best friend than this guy I've known since preschool!!! Not that that's crazy, I mean, this 13 year old is really a great guy and his girlfriend's lucky to have him, but it scared me I think.

So now I'm typing all of this and I find it weird that I'm not crying by now. I'm actually just sitting here and thinking that I'm going to go and hang out with some real friends today and not ones that put me down and don't believe in me.

Needing to call C and share my revelations,

Tay

PS; To any other friends who are reading this, he is the only one I'm mad at and the only one who hasn't been a good friend. You all have been very supportive and comforting and are truely some of my closest friends. Thanks guys!

PPS; I'll probably go back to being not mad at this guy in about a week, but right now, he's being a jerk. THIS IS JUST A VENTING SESSION!!! I do love him, he's just annoying me right now.

Snow Day Relaxations

Snow day! Yey! LOL. I spent at least four hours reading today. It actually felt good to lay down and not have to think or worry or care for four solid hours. Believe me, I've felt like I've been in hell for the past few weeks, so a day like today was needed greatly.

Today was supposed to be the casting of The Odd Couple, but because of the snow day I guess they'll be posted on Monday. I've checked the school's drama website and nothing's posted, so after checking one more time, I'm just going to accept that I'll have to wait until Monday. In all honesty, I don't really think I made it. I mean, with Winter One Acts pretty much everybody got a part because they were short handed, but with the Spring play, more people try out and there are fewer roles. I really hope my close friends C and S get it before me. I'll still show up and watch, sitting in my front row seat, cheering at the top of my lungs just like with TMM. I'll laugh at their unfunny lines that I helped them reherse and I'll grin like crazy when they first appear on stage. I pray that they get it.

As for One Acts, things are going really well and, from what I've heard, we've got one of the best acts. Our next rehersal is on Sunday and it'll be the first one with costumes, so I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be really funny seeing my new friends dressed up in clothes that they would never wear normally, including me. I mean, I would normally never wear these fashion diva clothes that I get to, but I'm oddly excited by that. This whole thing is such an exciting and new experience.

Now I guess I'll go read some more and try to get through another book before bed (though I'll probably break for my weekly session of Ghost Whisperer and Moonlight).

Feeling a bit odd,

Tay