Okay, so I know I vowed never to talk about my love life here anymore, but I need to break that rule for, like, the next five minutes. I think it's okay because it seems that everyone's transferred from Blogspot to Myspace and no one updates or comments anymore, and even if someone comes back, I can always delete this later.

So (I'm not gonna use names; I'm not stupid), Valentine's Day is officially over and I'm relieved. I wasn't expecting anything and I didn't get anything. Yey. But the thing is that I do like this guy... but I'm terrified. I don't want another relationship where I don't know who the guy actually is before I go out with them. I hate awkwardness and after my last relationship, I'm also afraid of it. So I'm trying to get to know this guy and it's going okay until he stops. Just stops. And I don't know what to do about it. Should I push, or would that be nagging? Or should I just let it go and not worry about it? I mean, if this isn't happening then maybe it's not ment to be, right? I'm just worried about letting go of something that could become something great, but what if it isn't great? What if it sucks and I'm stuck being in the same situation I was in a few months ago. I really don't want to break up with another guy any time soon. I just... it's hard to let this go. I feel empty because I feel like I'm so close but still so far away. I really want to just NOT like him anymore and MOVE ON, but it's like my soul won't let me. And I can't help but wonder if there's a reason for that...

So I've been wanting to say this for a while now and I feel good now that I have, but I'm still a little nervous that someone's gonna read it and question me about it. If you do read this and know me personally, please don't interrogate me *cough*CLAIRE*cough*. Believe me, I've been doing enough thinking lately.

It doesn't help that I feel this loneliness that won't seem to go away and I feel almost hollow inside... except for when I'm around him... then it's like I'm almost whole. I'm not, but I almost feel it. I taste it. I want to know what it's like to be with someone who makes me laugh, someone who I can talk about nothing and everything with, and someone who will hold me when I need to cry.

Stupid February and stupid Valentine's Day for making me feel so numb when I want to feel so alive.

Knowing that my meditation will probably have some tears involved,

Tay

PS; It doesn't matter if I know you or not, I just need some sort of advice to tell me what to do so PLEASE comment!!!

PPS; I'm gonna work on chapter three of The Spirit Sisters this weekend and will hopefully have it edited by Tuesday so that I can publish it around then.

Long Awaited Update

I'm sooooooooooo sorry I haven't updated in forever! It's just I've had other things to do and tons of stuff on my mind to deal with. Not that anything has really gotten accomplished or any of my thoughts sorted out, but you know, I felt bad about lack of updates!

So here's my current story; I was walking home from the bus stop with tons of books not only in my backpack, but also in my arms b/c I'm supposed to prepare for exams this weekend and get myself organized. So I'm walking, and normally the walk isn't that long, but normally I don't have fifty pounds on my back and another fifty pounds in my arms, so I'm walking slowly and my arms are killing me. So I'm halfway there, and I slip on a patch of ice and fall onto the street. I swear I pulled at least ten muscles and got a nice sized bruise on my hip and another on my knee. I'm then half tempted just to frickin' leave everything there and just limp home without my homework, but I know that I can't, so I have to heave myself up back onto my feet, with my backpack still on my back, and my books still in my arms. By the time I got home, my arms were trembling from the weight and my legs were about ready to give out, but I finally made it through the door and I pretty much just dumped it all on the staircase. I haven't even changed out of my boots yet, I just hobbled to the computer.

So that was my most recent story. Trust me, there's more where that came from.

Let's talk about exams and my schedual for this weekend. I have to work pretty much nonstop, making flash cards for everything and taking notes on what I need to study for each subject. Six exams. Six subjects. Six sets of notes. At LEAST six sets of flash cards. And the sucky part is that I can't NOT study or my parents will kill me and I can't procrastinate this stuff or I will never be able to pass, and THEN my parent's will kill me. So either, I go through this torture this weekend and get it over with, or get grounded from now until my birthday. I think you know which one I'm going to choose.

So I guess I won't be able to post all weekend, but come Monday, I'll continue to keep you updated (if I'm still alive by then).

Dreading walking again,

Tay

PS; A big happy birthday shout out to my brother! Eleven years old this Sunday!

PPS; Did I mention that Saturday night and Sunday morning will be filled with four fifth grade boys laughing and screaming and running everywhere? Bring on the Asprin...