finally stopping this stupid ranting

so i'm done venting.
i'm done talking about him.
i'm just done.

i felt (and still feel) like i was a patient at a hospital, too weak to move.
laying on a bed, light blue sheets pulled up to my chest, my head turned to the left as my eyes slowly open and conciousness floods my mind.
my head's too weak to even turn.
i glance down to see the tubes coming out of my arms... i can feel them coming out of my nose...
i shut my eyes as i try to move the discomfort out of my mind.
opening them and taking in the dark figure sitting in the corner is the only thing that works.
it's a boy...
no.
it's a man.
and he's sitting at a table.
there's a mirror on the wall for some reason.
and he's staring into it.
he hasn't even noticed that i'm awake.
it doesn't even look like he knows i'm in the room.
but yet he's in the room.
why?
i want to speak aloud, but i don't think i can.
tears want to flood my eyes, but i can't even do that.
i can't even cry.
all i can do is shut my eyes and pretend that i'm alone.
because i mine-as-well be.

and that's how i'm feeling.
alone.
scared.
and forgotten.

it feels like bruses are covering my body.

but i'm sick of talking about it.
i'm sick of talking about NOTHING but HIM on this site.
this is MY blog not HIS.
and it seems that there's more about him on here then me!!!

so lets start over.
the rule about no relationship talk is back.

well, lets see.
i woke up and immediately started working on my bio homework (because our teacher gave us a bucket load of it over the summer).
then i decided to procrastinate it until eight tonight, when i worked on it more for an hour and a half.
believe me, i like bio.
i do.
more than i thought i would, but i guess it's good that at least this class i'll enjoy.
unless my new english teacher is better than my last one, i can't see liking english again.
however, we were forced to read a pretty interesting book this summer.
it's called 1984.
and even though the beginning is slow, i actually enjoyed reading the end.
it's medamorphosis that i'm NOT looking forward to reading.
i mean, who cares about a guy who wakes up and becomes a giant COCKROACH?
seriously?!
but at least it's oober short and i should have it done in a couple of hours at the most.

so yeah, i'm actually happy about being in bio (i'm sure THAT opinion will change) and i'm oober happy that i'm happy about being in bio b/c i've finally made a huge life-choice decision!!!
i'm going to become a pediatrition!!!
yey!!!
it seems that all these years i've THOUGHT i was scared of blood and stuff, but i'm really not. i just said that b/c everyone else was scared.
but i've worked with my blood and other people's blood before and not batted an eyelash.
so yeah.
that, plus the fact that i really really really feel like i'm ment to work with children made me make my final decision.
so yeah.
yey for me!
i guess it's also a plus that i THINK i might be good at bio.
>.<

that's right.
i DO have a life other than my pathetic love life.
it's just that whenever i get a chance to get on here, it's at night.
and at night, i tend to dwell on the stressfull stuff.
and my love life is extreamly stressfull.

i just don't want you readers out there thinking that guys are all i think about b/c that's not the case.
but i am a teenager, so guys are a main part of my life. especially b/c most of them are my best friends.

so for the first time in a while, i'm smiling when i finish a blog entry.
believe me, things really are starting to look up.

believing that the sun is starting to shine again,
tay

stupid tears

gahhhh... so tomorrow i've got the first day of summer gym AND filming, like, right after that. :(

it doesn't help that tomorrow's scene entails me crying. on cue. and i'm a little nervous about it.

i mean if i read the lines right and am in the mood to cry, then i might pull it off. i'm just afraid it won't happen and i'll let everyone down.

so yeah. there's my current problem.

i'm going to go through the scene at least ten times after this, but i'm still going to be nervous.

the scene itself is basically me explaining to the man i love about how my father killed my mother when i was a little kid. my director keeps telling me to become my character and relate it to my life. except the fact that nothing remotely close to this has happened to me before. and i'm not that great of an actress. so yeah. now what?

currently i'm reading the lines slowly and emotionally, all the while picturing all of my favorite students in the situation in the story.

it works up until a certain point. i get teary and i sob a couple of times, but no real tears have been shed. WHAT DO I DO???

man i wish people would still come to my blog and give me advice. any advice. i mean, come on! two of the people on my links are actors.

*deep sigh* but i'm the one who has to do it tomorrow.

i just wish there wasn't so much pressure to get it right.

nervous and a little scared,

tay

Whatever

Okay... so apparently I was right in thinking that no one visits my site anymore. That's kinda depressing in a way, but yet I can't help but think of how releaving that is. Now I can go back to six months ago when I could post whatever the hell I wanted. Cool.

Alright, well, as for my previous situation... it really hasn't gone away. But now I've at least figured out that I think that it's better if I don't date this guy. Maybe being friends is just what we were ment to be and that's that. I just wish we could continue getting to know each other just as friends.

The biggest thing I hate about this is that I can't help but hope that something more will happen. I know it won't, but I'm just one of those people who don't like to give up hope. Normally it's a good thing, but in situations like this, I can't stand that about me. And all this time I'm wondering if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Am I supposed to like him or am I supposed to try really hard to get over him? I just... UHHH!!! I HATE HIGH SCHOOL!!!

*takes deep breath* Fine. Well... in other news, I've got a Flag Corps competition this weekend (Saturday) and I'm pumped! Our routine is really hard, but really cool, and even though it's not perfect yet, I know it'll be amazing. So yeah. I'm really excited!

Umm.... not much else going on now... I've got a World Studies test on Friday (which I'm not looking forward to by the way) and some sort of French project due Friday too. Kinda been a busy week, but so far I'm not in too deep yet.

So yeah. Now I'm gonna go meditate and try to get my mind centered... on something other than my frusterating situation.

Craving Sour Patch Kids,

Tay

PS; I've also missed my summer boys a lot lately and I couldn't figure out why until recently. I think it's because sitting up with the older brother on his father's truck and watching our little brothers wrestle, I felt like I belonged and nothing else mattered in the world. All of my stress and all of my problems dissappeared and instead we would laugh at absolutely nothing. We made up stuff like 'lamp sized fireflies' and 'martin bugs' and stuff like that. I mean, really stupid stuff... but it didn't matter how stupid it was. Because it was us. And with us... it was okay to be a little stupid. God I miss that beat up old truck...

Okay, so I know I vowed never to talk about my love life here anymore, but I need to break that rule for, like, the next five minutes. I think it's okay because it seems that everyone's transferred from Blogspot to Myspace and no one updates or comments anymore, and even if someone comes back, I can always delete this later.

So (I'm not gonna use names; I'm not stupid), Valentine's Day is officially over and I'm relieved. I wasn't expecting anything and I didn't get anything. Yey. But the thing is that I do like this guy... but I'm terrified. I don't want another relationship where I don't know who the guy actually is before I go out with them. I hate awkwardness and after my last relationship, I'm also afraid of it. So I'm trying to get to know this guy and it's going okay until he stops. Just stops. And I don't know what to do about it. Should I push, or would that be nagging? Or should I just let it go and not worry about it? I mean, if this isn't happening then maybe it's not ment to be, right? I'm just worried about letting go of something that could become something great, but what if it isn't great? What if it sucks and I'm stuck being in the same situation I was in a few months ago. I really don't want to break up with another guy any time soon. I just... it's hard to let this go. I feel empty because I feel like I'm so close but still so far away. I really want to just NOT like him anymore and MOVE ON, but it's like my soul won't let me. And I can't help but wonder if there's a reason for that...

So I've been wanting to say this for a while now and I feel good now that I have, but I'm still a little nervous that someone's gonna read it and question me about it. If you do read this and know me personally, please don't interrogate me *cough*CLAIRE*cough*. Believe me, I've been doing enough thinking lately.

It doesn't help that I feel this loneliness that won't seem to go away and I feel almost hollow inside... except for when I'm around him... then it's like I'm almost whole. I'm not, but I almost feel it. I taste it. I want to know what it's like to be with someone who makes me laugh, someone who I can talk about nothing and everything with, and someone who will hold me when I need to cry.

Stupid February and stupid Valentine's Day for making me feel so numb when I want to feel so alive.

Knowing that my meditation will probably have some tears involved,

Tay

PS; It doesn't matter if I know you or not, I just need some sort of advice to tell me what to do so PLEASE comment!!!

PPS; I'm gonna work on chapter three of The Spirit Sisters this weekend and will hopefully have it edited by Tuesday so that I can publish it around then.

Old Exams and New Classes

So yes, I have come up with an idea, which, weirdly enough, I came up with in the shower yet AGAIN. That place is magic apparently. Or just the hiding place of the plot bunny. Either one.

So comments would be VERY appreciated. Even views or reads.... or ANYTHING! Come on people. You don't want me to beg, do you?

So enough about the new site, let's talk about exam results.

Let's just say that I did okay, but not great. All B's so far, and I still haven't gotten World Studies or Science back. I thought that was okay until I came home from school today and told my father, who didn't really even react, and then told my mother and basically bantered with her about my studying habits, and so yeah. I'm not exactly in the best mood right now, and it doesn't help that it's a full moon and my whole astronological clock is WAY out of wack, causing me to lash out at people and sink into a lull that won't seem to go away.

So lets just say that I really don't want to cry right now, so I'm just going to stop writing about this. New topic.

How about my new classes? Well, first is my new Study Hall, which sux btw. I don't sit my any of my A+ buddies, so I'm lonely and loveless. The only bright side is that I do sit by one of my French buddies from last year, so I'm not completely alone. I still felt lonely, though.

So then I had a different lunch period. It was actually better than I'd expected, but, again, because of my wacked astronological clock, I was tired and not really in the mood to deal with the drama that normally goes along with lunch. The bright side is that I'm the only girl (it IS a bright side, believe me), so that way I don't have to worry about more drama. Believe me, I get enough of that on my own.

Lastly, I had a new Photo Journalism class. I'm looking forward to making these journals my new teacher talked about, but I'm very lonely in that class. No one I'm close to is in that class and I'm going to be alone. Fun, but maybe it's a good thing that I have a class all to myself without anyone there to remind me of my dramatic and stressful life. Can you tell that I'm a little down right now? I guess my optimism goes out the window after having a day like mine.

Yeah, so that's me. I was just cheered up by my friend, though, who complimented some pics of mine, so I feel a bit better, but I could still use some chocolate if anyone's got any to spare...

Going to go listen to some inspiring lyrics and pray that they help,

Tay

I Want A Nap

I can hardly keep my eyes open at almost four in the afternoon. Something's seriously wrong here. I have been working for the past two hours and am really, really, really tired. Seriously, I think I'm going to go take a nap soon.

Exams are three days away and I'm going to be working my butt off until that point, so why can't I take a three hour nap until dinner??? Because I've got to study for PRE EXAMS FOR TOMORROW!!! The next twenty minutes are the only break I'm giving myself before I go back to the books. *yawns so big her mouth hurts* By the time this is all over, I'm going to be so tired that I'll probably fall asleep in the middle of an exam, and then I'll be screwed over for life. Great. No pressure or anything.

Plus, it doesn't help that I got, like, NO sleep last night b/c of my stupid cough. I swear, I've had it for like three weeks now, and it's STILL not going away. According to my mom, it could last another three weeks. Great.

The only plus side right now is that my favorite movie is on cable tonight at six. I'm recording it b/c of course I'll be too busy either studying, helping with dinner, or eating dinner to actually watch it. Thankfully I'm planning on stopping all of my madness at eight to watch it. Yeah, I'm going to crawl into a sweatshirt and sweat pants and curl up in a ball with a gallon of rainbow sherbert and probably sob my way through half of it (it's a very sad movie).

So. Yeah. That's my current situation. I'm also incredably alone right now b/c my parents had to take my bro to his b-ball game and I had to stay home and study. My only companion is my dog, who is currently curled up around my feet, trying to keep them warm (I never wear socks, so my feet are always freezing). So comments would be appreciated.

Slowly entering a dream world,

Tay

Exams And Everything That Goes Along With Them

Okay, so I officially HATE exams. In about fifteen minutes, I have to make a three page cheat sheet for my World Studies class, which is going to take FOREVER. I also have to make flashcards, though I don't really remember what for (which could cause a bit of a problem).

I missed a drama club meeting after school because I was so tired and distracted that I completely blanked, and didn't remember until my dad brought it up a half hour after it had ended.

I also had three quizzes and a test today. The test I actually think I did okay on, the first quiz I pretty much failed (but we take three a week, so they're really not worth much), the second quiz I actually aced, and the third quiz I honestly have no idea how I did on. In all reality, I'm pretty nervous about it, but I'm at least sure I passed.

And (if you can believe there's more), I didn't sleep well at all because of this stupid cough I've had for the past week. Instead of going away like I thought it would, it's just getting worse (I'll go into random fits now, and not be able to stop no matter how much water I drink) and now it's costing me sleep. I finally let my dad call the doctor, so I've officially declared war. Oh, it's on, bacteria, it's on.

So that's pretty much my day so far. I know, nothing positive, but it's hard to find positivity when you're too preoccupied with the pressure of exams. Hmm... something positive to say... how about the fact that I laughed today? That's positive, right? I mean, I always laugh in Science class (Jim and Claire know why, especially today). Ah, the wonder that is ninth period. It reminds me of my double period of social studies last year. Good times, good times...

Suddenly missing the simplicity of eighth grade,

Tay

Stress To The Max

So today I was extreamly stressed out. I didn't go to work b/c my dad apparently didn't know that I was working today (I told him I work every Thursday). It didn't help that he came home pissed at my brother b/c they had to go back to school to get my brother's homework. So I felt like I was punished for my brother's mistake and then blamed for him not knowing that I was working when I told him that I was working every Thursday. He never truely apologized b/c he still doesn't think it's his fault. I HATE it when men think that they are never wrong!!!!!! Urg!!!!

I also found out that my ex is smoking again when he told me he had quit. My dad said there's nothing I can do but ask him to stop, but I still feel like I should do something or tell somebody. I just don't know what to do. (C, if you're reading this, maybe you can help... I didn't want to bring it up on the phone...)

I have a quiz tomorrow, a test, and a presentation to give. Wish me luck.

Feeling stressed and freaked out,

Tay