STUPID BOYS AND THEIR STUPID PENISES!!!

i hate myself. i really do.
i'm not really sure why i'm scared anymore, just that i am.
why is he still here? he knows i'm just a scared, clumsy, non-graceful, pathetic sophmore. so why is he still around? still trying to make me fall for him? is this just a game?
i want to tear my hair out and it's making me CRAZY!!!
i HATE HIM for doing this to me.
i was perfectly happy being single for a while. and then HE came along!!!
GAHHH!!!
firy burning passion of HATE!!!
he just HAD to make me fall for him. he just HAD to be PERFECT and ROMANTIC and MATURE and... well... HIM!!!
AND I'M SCARED OF HIM!!!
i'm terrified that i'll get hurt badly from this whole situation, because let's be honest. that seems pretty likely!
he's going to collage in september. it's an hour and a half away. you tell me how that alone will work out when i can't drive and gas prices being through the roof.
plus, his ex.
i hate being the jealous girl, but i think i have a bit of a right here.
she's always going to be there. they hang out all the time and they... *hears heart start to crack* still make out sometimes.
she's four years older than me. one year older than him.
i can't compete with that.
*deep shuddering sigh*
i hate this whole damn situation.
i hate him for purposely making me fall for him and his damn italian ass.
and i mostly hate me.
i told myself i wouldn't let it happen. i wouldn't fall for him.
we all know how THAT turned out.

well now that tears are offically clouding my vision and i can no longer see, i'm going to get off before someone sees me.
i really don't want to explain the situation again.

praying that there's enough band-aids to patch up her heart after this is all over,
tay

PS; have i mentioned that he haunts my dreams too? 'cause he does. almost every night. grr... *tear runs down face*
okay, i'm gone.

free hugs!

so today was, like, the best day ever! i got to hang out with three amazing friends and play the best game of monkey in the middle ever played.
seriously, no one can beat the game we played.

plus, two of the three people go to a different high school, so it was nice to see them again. junior high seems so long ago.

and then i watched two movies today. '27 dresses' and 'bella'. both were good, but after watching both of them in a row, i feel kinda sad and i'm not sure why. i guess it's because summer is a lonely time for me and after seeing two of my friends being all lovey-dovey today, i feel really alone.

i'm not complaining, mind you. i mean, my guy situation is at a halt currently. (after discussing that we would let whatever happen, happen, i've been a little hesitant to accept his offers to pick me up and hang at the mall or see a movie. plus, as far as the phone goes, there hasn't been much to talk about. he still called me twice this morning, though. i missed both of his calls, and i didn't call back. no doubt he was caddying at the golf course around the corner and wanted to hang out. great. NOT falling for this guy is going to be hard) but it's my fault it's like that. i'm the one keeping them at a distance. i'm the one who was hurt and now i dodge, not only his calls, but most guys'. i feel so hypocritical saying i'm lonely and then keeping him and all other guys at a distance, but i can be lonely and scared at the same time, right?

i just don't feel like i can get into anything yet. my last guy situation hurt more than i thought it would for some reason, and now i'm paying the price. i said i wouldn't let myself like him too, and then i let myself like him a little bit and i got my heart bruised. and that was only a crush. i can't afford to really fall for someone. not yet. not until this stupid bruise heals.

so yeah. now i'm wondering why every time i write on this blog i end up going on and on about my romantic situation, even though the rule was that i was to never mention it. ah well. no one visits here anymore anyway. ... right?

if you're reading this, let me know. i would like to know that what i'm writing, someone out there is sympathizing with.

needing a hug right now,

tay

yeah, yeah, i know.

okay, hi everyone! i realize that i haven't posted in a while, but school ends tomorrow and i have a feeling that i'm going to have some time on my hands... at least for the next week, which i have off. so i'm posting an update.

first, and always most importantly in a girl's mind, my current romantic life. let's start juicy!

okay, well any and all guy problems i've posted here are irrelevant. over. done. even though they've been dead for a while, i just thought i'd re-enforce that. now, for the current situation; in march i went to state thesbian conference with a couple friends and while i was there i was introduced to a friend of a friend. he's a senior. a senior at a different high school than mine. and he's italian. let's just say yummy...

only there was a slight problem... he had a girlfriend. whom he was in love with. deeply. but they were having relationship issues. so okay, the whole trip him and i flirted and stuff and talked a bit. we exchanged numbers, end of story. he had a girlfriend and i told myself i wouldn't fall for him. that was working enormasly well.

and then she broke up with him.

he was a mess. he would call me and we would talk about it and yeah. i felt okay b/c i knew he was still in love with her. not a big deal, right? well then, you know the movie i'm doing? he tried out for it!!! and got a part!!! so i saw him. a lot. and we flirted. a lot.

i know most of you are probably like, 'wow tay, that's the perfect way to NOT fall for a guy.' but it was working. it truely was. his flirting helped me with my loneliness and my flirting helped him ease his pain.

and then after a while, our phone conversations changed. they became less about her and more about me. weird.

and then... we had our most recent read-through. lets just say that he and i were pretty much joined by the hip the whole freaking night. and we talked. a lot. i told him things. things i didn't really mean to ever tell him. and he understood. and BELIEVED ME!!! now THAT is weird.

and then, when i had to leave, he walked me to the door, i hugged him goodbye... and it was kinda like he wanted to kiss me, but i didn't let him. i said bye and ran out the door.

smooth taylor. really smooth.

so yeah. he and i have talked about it. i'm afraid of getting hurt and that's what would happen if we got together. but... we've pretty much said that whatever happens, happens. lovely.

so yeah. now i'm a bit confused and still not sure if i'm willing to let myself like him. it's all so weird.

alright, well that's my current situation. no other guy than the occasional flirt.

so now on to the topic of exams!!! i've taken three out of my five and have my other two tomorrow. i know, i know, i should be studying, but it's five in the afternoon. i have all night. and i've been studying for days. and i'm tired. and all i want to do is put in gilmore girls and fall asleep listening to their fast-paced dialogue and fantisizing about lukilei fluff...

well... i guess i'll do that later after i'm done studying. which will end up being tomorrow.

and i should call some people... including mr italian senior guy... but i hate the phone, so i guess i'll talk to people when i feel like dealing with everything.

wish me luck on my geometry and science exams tomorrow.

proudly wearing her artistic arms,

tay

Okay, so I know I vowed never to talk about my love life here anymore, but I need to break that rule for, like, the next five minutes. I think it's okay because it seems that everyone's transferred from Blogspot to Myspace and no one updates or comments anymore, and even if someone comes back, I can always delete this later.

So (I'm not gonna use names; I'm not stupid), Valentine's Day is officially over and I'm relieved. I wasn't expecting anything and I didn't get anything. Yey. But the thing is that I do like this guy... but I'm terrified. I don't want another relationship where I don't know who the guy actually is before I go out with them. I hate awkwardness and after my last relationship, I'm also afraid of it. So I'm trying to get to know this guy and it's going okay until he stops. Just stops. And I don't know what to do about it. Should I push, or would that be nagging? Or should I just let it go and not worry about it? I mean, if this isn't happening then maybe it's not ment to be, right? I'm just worried about letting go of something that could become something great, but what if it isn't great? What if it sucks and I'm stuck being in the same situation I was in a few months ago. I really don't want to break up with another guy any time soon. I just... it's hard to let this go. I feel empty because I feel like I'm so close but still so far away. I really want to just NOT like him anymore and MOVE ON, but it's like my soul won't let me. And I can't help but wonder if there's a reason for that...

So I've been wanting to say this for a while now and I feel good now that I have, but I'm still a little nervous that someone's gonna read it and question me about it. If you do read this and know me personally, please don't interrogate me *cough*CLAIRE*cough*. Believe me, I've been doing enough thinking lately.

It doesn't help that I feel this loneliness that won't seem to go away and I feel almost hollow inside... except for when I'm around him... then it's like I'm almost whole. I'm not, but I almost feel it. I taste it. I want to know what it's like to be with someone who makes me laugh, someone who I can talk about nothing and everything with, and someone who will hold me when I need to cry.

Stupid February and stupid Valentine's Day for making me feel so numb when I want to feel so alive.

Knowing that my meditation will probably have some tears involved,

Tay

PS; It doesn't matter if I know you or not, I just need some sort of advice to tell me what to do so PLEASE comment!!!

PPS; I'm gonna work on chapter three of The Spirit Sisters this weekend and will hopefully have it edited by Tuesday so that I can publish it around then.

The Office

I hope you all had a great Christmas! I know I did!

So, because I'm kinda sick about talking about Christmas, I'm going to go ahead and talk about what I did last night. So for the past few days, my brother and I have been watching The Office nonstop. I got the first three seasons and we've been particularly following this one couple and pretty much screaming at the TV for them to get together. Well last night, my brother was watching his new Simpsons episodes, so I was in a different room watching The Office. And all of a sudden, the guy from the couple just like proclaimed his love for her in the middle of the parking lot. I sat there dumbfounded and I just wanted to rip my hair out b/c she couldn't return the feelings because she's getting married!!! Then, he sees her again in the office after hours and without saying anything, he just goes up and kisses her. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen as far as TV goes. But then they still didn't get together and he transfered himself into a different office. I was really upset.

I think the best thing about this couple is the fact that they actually talk. They are, like, best friends and talk about pretty much everything. I don't think a lot of girls realize that guys can be the best friends if you give them a chance. And they won't always turn into something more, and I think that's the beauty of it. You don't always have to worry about having to deal with dressing up or looking good because they don't care. But if there is something, then the couple gets to know each other better then if they just started going out. I made that mistake with my last boyfriend and I'm not making it again.

God, I felt like I was dying last night...

Not exactly sure why I felt this way,

Tay

PS; I'll probably end up deleting this later when I'm thinking more clearly, considering I just got up.

I Got Lead!!!!!!!!

I got Roxi!!! I actually got leading lady in my friend's play!!! I can't believe it! I mean, I think I did well in my auditions, but not that well! And the leading male part is being played by the same guy who had the lead in the fall musical! He's mister drama club, so it's no wonder he got the part, but I have had no drama experience what so ever, I didn't take the Drama 1 course this year because I didn't think I would have enough time, and I've been to, like, two out of the four drama club meetings that have occurred so far. So how did I get this part? Ah well, I guess I shouldn't complain. I'm great at memorizing and I really do love to act, so I believe I'll do fine.

And I'm oober excited because this guy who's playing the leading male part is like a super star to me and I got to meet him yesterday! It's kinda weird being a fan of someone who goes to the same school as you, but I am a HUGE fan of his. And he is so made for theater. You can just tell. Now don't get me wrong, I definitely DON'T have a crush on the guy. I mean, he's got a girlfriend (I think) and I've currently got my sights set on someone else (that's all you're getting from me!).

On that subject, I'm also promising not to talk about my current crushes and flirting until I get an actual boyfriend. There are too many people who know about this blog and who I really would rather not know. I'm pretty conservative about stuff like that.

So, back to One Acts, I'm also kinda bummed I got Roxi because technically, that was supposed to be Claire's part. I'm really sorry, again. And also the part I tried out for was taken my one of my newest best friends. I really do think this whole thing is going to end up being way more interesting than anyone is expecting.

So I'm going to my aunt's house today for lunch and some hanging out before she moves to California. I'm really bummed, but I do have her e-mail address (I hope she has Internet where she's going...) so I can still talk to her. I really do hope that she's happier there than she ever was here. A shout out goes to her for getting the courage to move away from this dreary town and let herself be happy... as long as she comes back and visits.

Anyway, so now I'm going to eat breakfast and I should probably work on homework (but I won't).

Impatiently awaiting Monday (we get our scripts Monday),

Tay

PS; I will find out your source (and reason) Jim! Why be so secretive? What's to hide?

A Little Bit Of Crazy Madness

So I'm watching Elizabethtown, one of the weirdest, most confusing, and most random movies I have ever seen, and thinking about the day I've had (and the one my friends had). Today was one of the weirdest days I've lived. I had a planned two hour delay, so I got up at seven fifteen, which I never do, I completely forgot to eat breakfast, I didn't pack my lunch or buy it at the school cafeteria, I had a friend receive the most beautiful love letter ever written along with the most breathtaking piece of jewelry I've ever seen, I fought and then laughed with my first ex-boyfriend from last winter, I had a pizza party in Geometry, I was actually sad that our sub wouldn't be teaching us anymore, I blew bubbles with bubble gum (I don't chew gum) in Science class, I actually understood what was going on in Science class, I practiced the flute for the first time in ages, and I actually didn't care one bit that my love life is perfectly and wholesomely nonexistant. Sure, I have a crush on one of my newest guy friends, but I'm actually content with it going positively nowhere anytime soon. I'm happy being single and I'm happy being able to flirt and have fun and enjoy having no boyfriend to bring that to an end. God, what has happened to me?!

Well I guess the fact that even though this friend recieved the letter and necklace and she still doesn't know what she's going to do about it, makes me feel that my love life, for once in my life, is not on the spotlight even the tiniest bit because no one cares and hardly anyone knows about this crush of mine. And so she doesn't know if she even likes him while he's professed his love to her (which she and I discussed shouldn't even exist as he doesn't even know her) and presented her with a timeless gem and she can't even except it. I feel that I should be able to do more than just talk her through it, but maybe I just have to accept that I can't fix everything and that I should be okay with that if I'm to live my life 100% happily. I know that I'm analyzing a lot right now, but just go along with it. I get this way when I've seen a lot of movies, which I have today. I also watched You Have Mail and loved it once again. That movie makes me think so much and I can't always tell if that's a good thing or not. I guess it is, considering thinking is almost never a bad thing, but I don't know. I'm now rambling and I feel as though I should be writing something at least a little more significant than what I am.

Do you know what I realized also? The names of the two main characters in Elizabethtown are the exact same as two of my friends' names! They may like each other, but I don't really know what's going to happen there, but I think this Elizabethtown thing might be some sort of sign. I think I was supposed to see that and maybe that's the answer we've been looking for. Maybe.......

On my way to e-mail my discovery (though she'll most likely read it here anyway),

Tay