such a hypocrite.

i feel so alone.
and i feel really selfish saying that considering i've gotten nothing but attention this past week, what with me being sick and all, but it's like all of a sudden this huge wave of loneliness crashed down on me and i had no controll over it.
and i shouldn't feel alone.
i mean, i'm the one ignoring calls and avoiding him.
i'm the one who doesn't want to see him.
*voice breaks*
i'm the one who's scared...
*hands pull at hair*
why the HELL am i so scared?!
*lip trembles*
why am i like this?
so...
demented and broken?
and why do i miss a completely different guy?
a guy i haven't seen in a really, really long time.
who, for all i know, may have a girlfriend.
but...
i've always imagioned that if i ever had a summer fling, it'd be with him.
most definately it would be with him.
...
but he's not here.
he hasn't been for the past year.
i moved on.
dreamed other fantasies.
*chuckles dryly*
crushed on other guys (emphasis on the 'crush').
but just like every summer, his name enters my head.
it's like clockwork.
and now there's someone else.
someone who i can't handle seeing right now, even though i'm seeing him tomorrow.

god, i don't know if i can see him tomorrow.
i don't know how i'm going to handle it.
thankfully, afterwords i'm going to get to go back to school and help build sets for our fall production of 'beauty and the beast', so hopefully my friends from drama will be there to cheer me up.
*smiles weakly*

i'm such a hypocrite for simultaneously pushing away a guy who i was falling for and feeling so lonely.
i am so messed up.

starting to feel just how mangled her heart really is,
tay

Arms to Hold Me Needed

I'm so confused that it isn't even funny. But I'm not going to skip right to me. No, I'm gonna start from the beginning.

So it started a few days ago when I was talking to one of my best friends. He is bi and he had a girlfriend who was another of my best friends. He had hurt her a few months back, but then fell for her again and this time, they ended up going out. The thing is though that he's always had this thing for this guy who he's known all year who's two years older than him (and straight btw). Well, I was talking to my friend and he and I basically came to the conclusion that he was 'in love' with this guy and he had to tell his girlfriend and stop leading her on like that.

Okay, so, just to make the situation even more complicated, lets enter me and my best friend who are talking on the phone later that day and are getting kinda mad at our other best friend for hurting his girlfriend for the second time this year. We start to decide that it would probably end up being better if she hears it from one of us instead of him. So we call her. She's not home. She calls my best friend back later and she tells her. I then talk to her about an hour later, she's in tears (obviously) and then I had to go to my brother's soccer game, so I didn't hear anymore.

Then enter the other side of the relationship, him. Lets call him... K. So I get a call from K about an hour after I got home from the soccer game. He's kinda pissed at me and my other best friend (Claire) for telling his 'girlfriend' (now calling her S) about him wanting to break up with her. Can't really blame him, but we did it for S, not him. So I kinda calm him down, he's not mad at me at least, and we hang up.

K and S obviously broke up and are now in some sort of awkward friends thingie, but whatever. I'm done getting involved (I know, I say that all the time, but this time I'm actually gonna try harder).

And, believe it or not, around that same time, guess who decides to enter himself into the picture again??? Yeah... I think you can figure it out.

AND, to add to it all, I've been sick for the past two days. Between stress, this whole friends crisis, this guy, school, and this stupid sickness, I've been on the verge of tears for the past three days. And I can't figure out why I got sick in the first place!!! I NEVER get sick! Never! And somehow I get sick NOW??? And of course I couldn't skip school today. Not with two tests and a quiz. It sucked. I'll admit that yesterday was worse, but still. Today was kinda bad. The only good part was that I got to sleep in third period and a bit during lunch, but not much. Being the only girl is my favorite part of lunch (shhh....), but it does pose a problem when you're sleep deprived (suprisingly enough, sick people don't get a lot of sleep), stressed (stupid school... stupid friends... stupid boys...), and food deprived (I don't eat much to begin with and add being sick to that, lets just say that dinner is the only meal when I haven't been eating like a bird). I love the guys, but they can be a little loud. Especially when they're shooting bottle caps at lunch ladies (sam, lol).

So yeah. Sorry about that long story. I just needed a venting session. It felt good too. And again, if you're reading this, I really want more comments. As some of you may know, I've felt really lonely this past month and if anyone comments it would really make me smile. I might even cry. I don't know. With my current emotional state, it's hard to tell.

Wishing that the room would stop spinning,

Tay