finally stopping this stupid ranting

so i'm done venting.
i'm done talking about him.
i'm just done.

i felt (and still feel) like i was a patient at a hospital, too weak to move.
laying on a bed, light blue sheets pulled up to my chest, my head turned to the left as my eyes slowly open and conciousness floods my mind.
my head's too weak to even turn.
i glance down to see the tubes coming out of my arms... i can feel them coming out of my nose...
i shut my eyes as i try to move the discomfort out of my mind.
opening them and taking in the dark figure sitting in the corner is the only thing that works.
it's a boy...
no.
it's a man.
and he's sitting at a table.
there's a mirror on the wall for some reason.
and he's staring into it.
he hasn't even noticed that i'm awake.
it doesn't even look like he knows i'm in the room.
but yet he's in the room.
why?
i want to speak aloud, but i don't think i can.
tears want to flood my eyes, but i can't even do that.
i can't even cry.
all i can do is shut my eyes and pretend that i'm alone.
because i mine-as-well be.

and that's how i'm feeling.
alone.
scared.
and forgotten.

it feels like bruses are covering my body.

but i'm sick of talking about it.
i'm sick of talking about NOTHING but HIM on this site.
this is MY blog not HIS.
and it seems that there's more about him on here then me!!!

so lets start over.
the rule about no relationship talk is back.

well, lets see.
i woke up and immediately started working on my bio homework (because our teacher gave us a bucket load of it over the summer).
then i decided to procrastinate it until eight tonight, when i worked on it more for an hour and a half.
believe me, i like bio.
i do.
more than i thought i would, but i guess it's good that at least this class i'll enjoy.
unless my new english teacher is better than my last one, i can't see liking english again.
however, we were forced to read a pretty interesting book this summer.
it's called 1984.
and even though the beginning is slow, i actually enjoyed reading the end.
it's medamorphosis that i'm NOT looking forward to reading.
i mean, who cares about a guy who wakes up and becomes a giant COCKROACH?
seriously?!
but at least it's oober short and i should have it done in a couple of hours at the most.

so yeah, i'm actually happy about being in bio (i'm sure THAT opinion will change) and i'm oober happy that i'm happy about being in bio b/c i've finally made a huge life-choice decision!!!
i'm going to become a pediatrition!!!
yey!!!
it seems that all these years i've THOUGHT i was scared of blood and stuff, but i'm really not. i just said that b/c everyone else was scared.
but i've worked with my blood and other people's blood before and not batted an eyelash.
so yeah.
that, plus the fact that i really really really feel like i'm ment to work with children made me make my final decision.
so yeah.
yey for me!
i guess it's also a plus that i THINK i might be good at bio.
>.<

that's right.
i DO have a life other than my pathetic love life.
it's just that whenever i get a chance to get on here, it's at night.
and at night, i tend to dwell on the stressfull stuff.
and my love life is extreamly stressfull.

i just don't want you readers out there thinking that guys are all i think about b/c that's not the case.
but i am a teenager, so guys are a main part of my life. especially b/c most of them are my best friends.

so for the first time in a while, i'm smiling when i finish a blog entry.
believe me, things really are starting to look up.

believing that the sun is starting to shine again,
tay

I'M DONE!!!

i can't even begin to explain just what i'm feeling right now.
normally words like, 'lonely' or 'frustrated' would work, but even those don't fit right now.
i just feel...
alone.
dead alone.
and it's all my fault i'm feeling this way.
...
actually, no it's not.
it's not my fault that all he did was try to make out with me.
it's not my fault that i felt smothered and angry.
it's not my fault that i feel like i need someone there to JUST FREAKIN' HOLD ME WITHOUT TRYING TO KISS ME!!!
it's not my fault that his ex is always gonna be there.
and it's definitely not my fault that he's not responding to texts.

so you know what?
*wipes tears angrily from face*
i'm SICK of this.
i'm DONE crying.
i'm DONE thinking about him.
and i'm DONE with this whole situation.
I'M DONE.

and even though i'm heartbroken that i can't see the full moon tonight, i know it's there.
and i hope that maybe tonight, God will answer my prayers and finally send me my summer boys to make all of this go away.
*squeezes eyes shut*
please...

wanting nothing more to do with boys (they're better as friends),

tay

such a hypocrite.

i feel so alone.
and i feel really selfish saying that considering i've gotten nothing but attention this past week, what with me being sick and all, but it's like all of a sudden this huge wave of loneliness crashed down on me and i had no controll over it.
and i shouldn't feel alone.
i mean, i'm the one ignoring calls and avoiding him.
i'm the one who doesn't want to see him.
*voice breaks*
i'm the one who's scared...
*hands pull at hair*
why the HELL am i so scared?!
*lip trembles*
why am i like this?
so...
demented and broken?
and why do i miss a completely different guy?
a guy i haven't seen in a really, really long time.
who, for all i know, may have a girlfriend.
but...
i've always imagioned that if i ever had a summer fling, it'd be with him.
most definately it would be with him.
...
but he's not here.
he hasn't been for the past year.
i moved on.
dreamed other fantasies.
*chuckles dryly*
crushed on other guys (emphasis on the 'crush').
but just like every summer, his name enters my head.
it's like clockwork.
and now there's someone else.
someone who i can't handle seeing right now, even though i'm seeing him tomorrow.

god, i don't know if i can see him tomorrow.
i don't know how i'm going to handle it.
thankfully, afterwords i'm going to get to go back to school and help build sets for our fall production of 'beauty and the beast', so hopefully my friends from drama will be there to cheer me up.
*smiles weakly*

i'm such a hypocrite for simultaneously pushing away a guy who i was falling for and feeling so lonely.
i am so messed up.

starting to feel just how mangled her heart really is,
tay

blahhh...

i hate this.
i hate myself for doing this again.
i hate my heart for feeling like this.
and i hate him.
i hate him for continuing this stupid thing, whatever it is.
i hate him for never listening to ME.
i hate him for being stupid superman when i need him to be normal. at least just for a while. so that when i'm sick he can just hold me. it doesn't have to be constant kissing.
i hate that when i'm around him, i don't ever feel like myself. i feel self-concious, stupid, young, scared...

i don't know what happened.
i was sick, he offered to come over, and i accepted.
so he came over, we went in my basement, started to watch titanic, but of course can we just watch the movie?
oh no.
do you wanna know why?
because he's a stupid boy who can't keep their hormones in check.
but did it ever occur to him that all i wanted to do was watch the damn movie??? did it ever occur to him that i was SICK??? and therefore TIRED???
it's like it's all about HIM!!! only i was too blind to see it before.
well as soon as he left and all the next day, i started to feel that feeling that was like, 'wow, he's way too clingy and way too close. i just want him OFF of me. i need to breathe!!!'. so i shut off my phone all day.
it was like heaven!
and then today, when we were supposed to hang out, i played the sick card and shut off my phone shortly after again.
i know, i know, it's rude.
and it's insensitive.
but i can't deal with this right now.
i can't deal with HIM!
i can't deal with his stupid ego and his stupid selfishness.
and i'm not sure how long this frustration is going to last.

*deep sigh*
and believe me, this all sounds WAY worse than it is.
he's a gentleman.
i haven't been a jerk (for the most part).
and the whole situation is probably going to go away soon.
in the mean time, i have no idea what i'm going to do.
it's not like i can break up with him.
he's not my boyfriend.
and this 'turning the cell phone off' thing seems to be working, but i do feel bad about it.
*another deep sigh*
and the worst part is, this whole thing kinda resembles what happened with my first boyfriend over a year ago.
the smothering thing, the selfishness thing, it's all so similar.
and that scares me.

so if any of you have any suggestions, i'm open to hearing about them.

and btw, i am feeling better.
i was supposed to find out if i have mono today, but b/c they never called, i'm assuming that i don't.
so yey!

wanting to forget any of this ever happened,
tay

bad readers!!!

ug.
*sneeze*
*cough*
*hack*
yes, that's right.
i'm offically sick.
which is weird, b/c i'm NEVER sick.
EVER.
so how exactly this happened, i really don't know.
all i know is that i couldn't walk yesterday and had the most massive head-ache ever.

oh, and who watched the season finale of 'the bachalerette' yesterday???
'cause i did!
and i can't believe jesse won!
i thought for SURE it would be jason.
needless to say i was very upset.
which probably made my sickness even worse.
maybe i could sue... (jk)


alright, well i know what you must be wondering; what's going on with the guy who you dedicated the last entry to?
well, lets just say that we hang out at least once a week, i see him more than i should (for the sake of my heart), and i get a kiss goodbye whenever he has to leave.
*deep sigh*
so yeah. you could say i'm in trouble.
did i mention that at my flag captin's grad party, he showed up late?
and me and my friends were swinging on her jungle gym and he came up behind me and scared me to death.
...
well, alright that's a lie.
it was dark, but not THAT dark.
i pretended to be scared.
but still.
then my friends took off to go hang out and he spent the whole time flirting with me and kissing me.
i felt like the only girl in the world.

alright.
that's all you're getting.
no details.
and do you want to know WHY???
because none of you have commented!!!
hey, i know you're out there and you care about what happens!!!
don't pretend that you don't.
so be good little readers and COMMENT!!!

*yawn*
well, it's pretty late for a sick girl to still be up, so i'm gonna go to bed now.
g'night all!

hoping tomorrow she can walk,
tay

STUPID BOYS AND THEIR STUPID PENISES!!!

i hate myself. i really do.
i'm not really sure why i'm scared anymore, just that i am.
why is he still here? he knows i'm just a scared, clumsy, non-graceful, pathetic sophmore. so why is he still around? still trying to make me fall for him? is this just a game?
i want to tear my hair out and it's making me CRAZY!!!
i HATE HIM for doing this to me.
i was perfectly happy being single for a while. and then HE came along!!!
GAHHH!!!
firy burning passion of HATE!!!
he just HAD to make me fall for him. he just HAD to be PERFECT and ROMANTIC and MATURE and... well... HIM!!!
AND I'M SCARED OF HIM!!!
i'm terrified that i'll get hurt badly from this whole situation, because let's be honest. that seems pretty likely!
he's going to collage in september. it's an hour and a half away. you tell me how that alone will work out when i can't drive and gas prices being through the roof.
plus, his ex.
i hate being the jealous girl, but i think i have a bit of a right here.
she's always going to be there. they hang out all the time and they... *hears heart start to crack* still make out sometimes.
she's four years older than me. one year older than him.
i can't compete with that.
*deep shuddering sigh*
i hate this whole damn situation.
i hate him for purposely making me fall for him and his damn italian ass.
and i mostly hate me.
i told myself i wouldn't let it happen. i wouldn't fall for him.
we all know how THAT turned out.

well now that tears are offically clouding my vision and i can no longer see, i'm going to get off before someone sees me.
i really don't want to explain the situation again.

praying that there's enough band-aids to patch up her heart after this is all over,
tay

PS; have i mentioned that he haunts my dreams too? 'cause he does. almost every night. grr... *tear runs down face*
okay, i'm gone.

goodbye tears!

alright, so today's filming wasn't TOO horrible. i didn't end up shedding a tear, but all i had to do was act upset and my director said it was perfectly believable and even if we don't end up being happy with it we can come back and shoot it on a different day.

so yeah. drama over. now i've got to figure out HOW i'm going to get through MAKING OUT with my romantic opposite. and he really likes me. and i don't like him back. can we say AWKWARD??? well, at least i can make it believable. i just hope he doesn't make it awkward. :-/

ah well. i'm not filming tomorrow, so that's all i care about right now.

oh, and i started summer gym today. fun. NOT!

so now i'm tired, yucky, and my hair is disgusting, so i'm going to go shower, make popcorn, and then read a book for the rest of the night.

my phone will be plugged in so that no one can bother me either. *cough*stupidboy*cough*

oh! but before i go, i must report a most unusual sighting in the neigborhood!

a few days ago, i needed a new bathing suit so my mom and i were going shopping. so we're coming home from shopping and we want to pick up my brother and his friend so that we can all go to a couple of garage sales. well, as we were going down our street to pick up said brother and friend, my mom points out this guy who neither of us have seen before. and he's doing something to the pathway of one of our widower's house. and he's kinda sorta gorgeous.

maybe sixteen or seventeen, he had this really shaggy black hair that i would DIE for. (i love guys with black hair) and he gave me this look as we passed by. it wasn't a look i'd ever seen before. and it wasn't flirtatious (which makes sense b/c i was kinda disgusting then too AND had my glasses on), but it wasn't a 'you're really weird' look either. idk what it was.

and then we saw him again on the way home from going to the garage sales and this time he was sitting in the same yard, leaning against a tree right next to the road, and talking on his cell phone. kinda weird, but i've seen weirder.

i was thinking about it later that day and decided that if i saw him again i would introduce myself.

i haven't seen him since, however.

well, i just thought i'd share that tidbit of info into my home life. that's the most that's happened in a while, so, as you can tell, things have been pretty quiet.

alright, well i'm going to go shower now so that i feel better.

feels a lot better,

tay

stupid tears

gahhhh... so tomorrow i've got the first day of summer gym AND filming, like, right after that. :(

it doesn't help that tomorrow's scene entails me crying. on cue. and i'm a little nervous about it.

i mean if i read the lines right and am in the mood to cry, then i might pull it off. i'm just afraid it won't happen and i'll let everyone down.

so yeah. there's my current problem.

i'm going to go through the scene at least ten times after this, but i'm still going to be nervous.

the scene itself is basically me explaining to the man i love about how my father killed my mother when i was a little kid. my director keeps telling me to become my character and relate it to my life. except the fact that nothing remotely close to this has happened to me before. and i'm not that great of an actress. so yeah. now what?

currently i'm reading the lines slowly and emotionally, all the while picturing all of my favorite students in the situation in the story.

it works up until a certain point. i get teary and i sob a couple of times, but no real tears have been shed. WHAT DO I DO???

man i wish people would still come to my blog and give me advice. any advice. i mean, come on! two of the people on my links are actors.

*deep sigh* but i'm the one who has to do it tomorrow.

i just wish there wasn't so much pressure to get it right.

nervous and a little scared,

tay

free hugs!

so today was, like, the best day ever! i got to hang out with three amazing friends and play the best game of monkey in the middle ever played.
seriously, no one can beat the game we played.

plus, two of the three people go to a different high school, so it was nice to see them again. junior high seems so long ago.

and then i watched two movies today. '27 dresses' and 'bella'. both were good, but after watching both of them in a row, i feel kinda sad and i'm not sure why. i guess it's because summer is a lonely time for me and after seeing two of my friends being all lovey-dovey today, i feel really alone.

i'm not complaining, mind you. i mean, my guy situation is at a halt currently. (after discussing that we would let whatever happen, happen, i've been a little hesitant to accept his offers to pick me up and hang at the mall or see a movie. plus, as far as the phone goes, there hasn't been much to talk about. he still called me twice this morning, though. i missed both of his calls, and i didn't call back. no doubt he was caddying at the golf course around the corner and wanted to hang out. great. NOT falling for this guy is going to be hard) but it's my fault it's like that. i'm the one keeping them at a distance. i'm the one who was hurt and now i dodge, not only his calls, but most guys'. i feel so hypocritical saying i'm lonely and then keeping him and all other guys at a distance, but i can be lonely and scared at the same time, right?

i just don't feel like i can get into anything yet. my last guy situation hurt more than i thought it would for some reason, and now i'm paying the price. i said i wouldn't let myself like him too, and then i let myself like him a little bit and i got my heart bruised. and that was only a crush. i can't afford to really fall for someone. not yet. not until this stupid bruise heals.

so yeah. now i'm wondering why every time i write on this blog i end up going on and on about my romantic situation, even though the rule was that i was to never mention it. ah well. no one visits here anymore anyway. ... right?

if you're reading this, let me know. i would like to know that what i'm writing, someone out there is sympathizing with.

needing a hug right now,

tay

yeah, yeah, i know.

okay, hi everyone! i realize that i haven't posted in a while, but school ends tomorrow and i have a feeling that i'm going to have some time on my hands... at least for the next week, which i have off. so i'm posting an update.

first, and always most importantly in a girl's mind, my current romantic life. let's start juicy!

okay, well any and all guy problems i've posted here are irrelevant. over. done. even though they've been dead for a while, i just thought i'd re-enforce that. now, for the current situation; in march i went to state thesbian conference with a couple friends and while i was there i was introduced to a friend of a friend. he's a senior. a senior at a different high school than mine. and he's italian. let's just say yummy...

only there was a slight problem... he had a girlfriend. whom he was in love with. deeply. but they were having relationship issues. so okay, the whole trip him and i flirted and stuff and talked a bit. we exchanged numbers, end of story. he had a girlfriend and i told myself i wouldn't fall for him. that was working enormasly well.

and then she broke up with him.

he was a mess. he would call me and we would talk about it and yeah. i felt okay b/c i knew he was still in love with her. not a big deal, right? well then, you know the movie i'm doing? he tried out for it!!! and got a part!!! so i saw him. a lot. and we flirted. a lot.

i know most of you are probably like, 'wow tay, that's the perfect way to NOT fall for a guy.' but it was working. it truely was. his flirting helped me with my loneliness and my flirting helped him ease his pain.

and then after a while, our phone conversations changed. they became less about her and more about me. weird.

and then... we had our most recent read-through. lets just say that he and i were pretty much joined by the hip the whole freaking night. and we talked. a lot. i told him things. things i didn't really mean to ever tell him. and he understood. and BELIEVED ME!!! now THAT is weird.

and then, when i had to leave, he walked me to the door, i hugged him goodbye... and it was kinda like he wanted to kiss me, but i didn't let him. i said bye and ran out the door.

smooth taylor. really smooth.

so yeah. he and i have talked about it. i'm afraid of getting hurt and that's what would happen if we got together. but... we've pretty much said that whatever happens, happens. lovely.

so yeah. now i'm a bit confused and still not sure if i'm willing to let myself like him. it's all so weird.

alright, well that's my current situation. no other guy than the occasional flirt.

so now on to the topic of exams!!! i've taken three out of my five and have my other two tomorrow. i know, i know, i should be studying, but it's five in the afternoon. i have all night. and i've been studying for days. and i'm tired. and all i want to do is put in gilmore girls and fall asleep listening to their fast-paced dialogue and fantisizing about lukilei fluff...

well... i guess i'll do that later after i'm done studying. which will end up being tomorrow.

and i should call some people... including mr italian senior guy... but i hate the phone, so i guess i'll talk to people when i feel like dealing with everything.

wish me luck on my geometry and science exams tomorrow.

proudly wearing her artistic arms,

tay

Someone?... Anyone?... Nope. Just me. As always.

I need help, but I don't know where to go. I'm confused and just want to go to someone who understands.

Sure, I tried out for it, but I only tried out for a small role! I didn't ask to be the lead! And now the director, who apparently has a huge crush on me, is casting himself as my romantic opposite because no one else showed up.

It doesn't help that I think his crush had a big part to do with me getting casted. I mean, I know I'm not that great of an actress or a singer! So how did I get this part???

I don't know what I'm gonna do and I really need someone to talk to me about it. I just need advice.

I just need a friend.

Determined not to cry even though the I can't see through the tears,

Tay

Quick Update

Hey everyone! Sorry it's been a while since my last post, but I've been kinda busy lately. I don't even know where to begin!

Well, lets start out with my current social life. The stupid guy is still there, but I'm moving on. It's not going to happen and I'm letting it go. So far, this has been easier said then done, mostly because it feels like every time I get close to moving on, he finds a way to imput himself into my life somehow, but I don't think he means to do it. Personally, I don't even think he likes me anymore, so you know... as if I wasn't depressed enough...

Anyway, moving on to other matters, let me just say that I feel the need to announce to the world that Claire and Drew are FINALLY TOGETHER!!! Congrats you two!!! I'm so proud!!! Yeah, so things in that drama department are actually pretty quiet. As far as I know, they're happy and things are going great, so... yeah! We're all pretty happy about it!

But, things can't all be perfect. K, as I've decided to call him (see former posts), is still in love with someone he has no busness being in love with!!! I don't know how many times I can tell him to move on!!! He just won't listen!!! If he keeps getting this attached to the guy, he's going to end up completely crushed by the time this thing is over. And I can only feel sorry for him to a point.

As for my family stuff, this summer we're going to PA!!! Yey!!! I miss my aunts, uncles, and cousins a lot, so it'll be good to see them again... other than that... there's really nothing going on in that area either.

So lets see... today I'm going to go to my church to meet with a youth group leader (or something along those lines) to talk about me getting more involved with my church. I love my church and it makes me sad that we only go once a year, so I've talked to my dad about it a lot and finally we've decided to do something about it. See, my family believes in God and all that, but between my mom not really being into the whole organized religion thing and my dad's outragious sleeping patterns as the result of his job, we haven't ever found the need to go in the past. And I have to admit that I was never sorry about that when I was little. I liked sleeping in every Sunday and I loved being able to run downstairs and help make pancakes instead of getting into fancy clothes for church. And then that stupid tree happened and my views on stuff changed. A lot changed for me after that night. Between that and my grandfather's death the previous year, I was starting to get warmed up to the idea of going to church. But of course, my family still liked the idea of sleeping in on Sunday. So here I've been for the past two years. Wanting to go to church and not being able to. And it's almost too late to do anything because I know virtually nothing about religion, God, Jesus, or anything relating to those three things. I believe that there is a God and that Jesus really was his son, I believe it all, I just don't know anything about it other than that. When you're me (some of you know what I'm talking about) and you have the, well, 'condition' that I have, you really don't have any other choice then to believe in God. I just feel bad for having this *cough* um, 'condition' and not knowing anything about the religious beliefs behind it. I feel like I've been given a gift that I know nothing about.

So yeah, after that I'm going to go into work for a couple hours and have fun with my students and then I'm going to come home and sleep for ten billion hours.

So that's me right now. I'll keep you updated as things change.

Wishing that summer would just come already,

Tay

PS; I will try to get out the next chapter of SS before break ends, but I can't promise it will get done. :( I'll try though, I promise.