Valentine's Day Rant

I hate February. I hate it with a passion. Even more, I hate Valentine's Day. And yes, I know how bitter I sound, but I don't care. Valentine's Day is just another excuse for people who aren't single to rub in the fact that us single people have no one. This whole month is filled with commercials and adds and constant reminders filled with roses and chocolates and jewlery. Being the romantic I am, you would think I'm like the biggest supporter of Valentine's Day, but in reality, from my point of view, I think that any day could be the one that people find each other. That's why I smile everyday. I believe that every five minutes someone meets their soul mate. Valentine's Day takes something that should be left to fate and makes it commercial and puts a price on it. For those unfortunate beings who have either lost that special person or simply haven't found them, it makes them feel cold and lonely. It sucks.

And it's not that I'm bitter. I mean, I've dated a couple guys within the past year, so it's not like I haven't had a social life or anything, but I always seem to find myself single and alone during this month. And this year it seems to be much worse than normal. I almost feel like I'm so close to having something special but can't seem to reach it. I feel lonely and depressed and I feel like I've met either one or two people who could fix it, but simply aren't. I just... I can't stand this empty feeling. I feel like it's eating me alive. I haven't genuinely laughed since lunch two days ago and I don't know what to do about it. I feel powerless.

The scary thing is that I'm afraid that this feeling won't go away after this month. I mean, what if I feel this lonely for months after this? I mean, I'm not seriously depressed or anti-social or anything. I have laughed and smiled and enjoyed myself this month, I just feel tired, sick, and I have this ache. It's just a minor case of loneliness. I just wish someone would hold me and say it's gonna be alright without it being one of my parents or one of my girl friends. Ah well. I guess I'm ment to have another Valentine's Day alone and watch my closest friends suffer from the same symptoms.

Hoping I can hold myself together this week,

Tay

PS; On a happier note that I forgot to mention, opening night was last night and it was amazing! Seriously, we were great and everyone's shows were perfect! I got a flower from two of my guy friends (one is my best friend's boyfriend, the other my ex. yeah, believe me, I know) and got so many hugs that my arms ached at the end of the night. I hope more people show up tonight, though. Last night it was kinda dead...

How Many Of You Are Truely Surprised?

I am sooooooo incredibly pissed off at the moment. One of my best friends is being such a jerk. My friend C and I have been freaking out for like a year about what we're going to do once we graduate, and I figured it out about a month ago, and she figured it out recently, like less than a week ago. But in order for her plan to work, she had to rearrange some classes. I supported her and said that it was okay for her to do this as long as she stuck to it and knew that this was something she really wanted to do. My other friend however doesn't believe she'll stick with it, says it's just a phase, and has continued to give her negative feedback. I could spit at him.

Then, yeah, there's more, because we're supposed to have rehersal together today and it's really important because it's the first with costumes, I asked him if he knew. He said he wasn't coming because HE DIDN'T WANT TO!!! He also used some excuse with his mom and something else, but nothing that would seriously prevent him from getting to rehersal. I'm sooooooooo PISSED AT HIM!!!! I just can't BELIEVE someone would do that. I just can't.

Okay, I need to change the subject before I say stuff that I'll regret. Alright, so yesterday my neighbor's grandkids from out of town came for a visit! I got to hang out with the older sister for about four hours yesterday afternoon and we played a LOT of Guitar Hero III, but then I had to go to a party for my father's work. After that, though, her two younger brothers, ages 11 and 13 came over and hung out with me and my younger bro. It was cool because while the 11 year old and my younger brother were playing some Star Wars game, the older brother and I got to talk. It felt good to be able to really talk to a guy. I haven't been able to for a while.

After they left I went to my meditation and sat there thinking that I haven't been able to talk to this guy I'm mad at in forever. He doesn't understand anymore. He's selfish now and conceited. I miss my best friend from seventh grade. The guy who would listen to us and, although he imputed his views, he still supported us and believed in us. Now I feel like he's gone and I don't have a guy to lean on anymore. I miss that.

So as I sat there, thinking about how it was easier to talk to this 13 year old than to one of my best friends, it really hit me how my good friend from out of town was a better best friend than this guy I've known since preschool!!! Not that that's crazy, I mean, this 13 year old is really a great guy and his girlfriend's lucky to have him, but it scared me I think.

So now I'm typing all of this and I find it weird that I'm not crying by now. I'm actually just sitting here and thinking that I'm going to go and hang out with some real friends today and not ones that put me down and don't believe in me.

Needing to call C and share my revelations,

Tay

PS; To any other friends who are reading this, he is the only one I'm mad at and the only one who hasn't been a good friend. You all have been very supportive and comforting and are truely some of my closest friends. Thanks guys!

PPS; I'll probably go back to being not mad at this guy in about a week, but right now, he's being a jerk. THIS IS JUST A VENTING SESSION!!! I do love him, he's just annoying me right now.

Snow Day Relaxations

Snow day! Yey! LOL. I spent at least four hours reading today. It actually felt good to lay down and not have to think or worry or care for four solid hours. Believe me, I've felt like I've been in hell for the past few weeks, so a day like today was needed greatly.

Today was supposed to be the casting of The Odd Couple, but because of the snow day I guess they'll be posted on Monday. I've checked the school's drama website and nothing's posted, so after checking one more time, I'm just going to accept that I'll have to wait until Monday. In all honesty, I don't really think I made it. I mean, with Winter One Acts pretty much everybody got a part because they were short handed, but with the Spring play, more people try out and there are fewer roles. I really hope my close friends C and S get it before me. I'll still show up and watch, sitting in my front row seat, cheering at the top of my lungs just like with TMM. I'll laugh at their unfunny lines that I helped them reherse and I'll grin like crazy when they first appear on stage. I pray that they get it.

As for One Acts, things are going really well and, from what I've heard, we've got one of the best acts. Our next rehersal is on Sunday and it'll be the first one with costumes, so I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be really funny seeing my new friends dressed up in clothes that they would never wear normally, including me. I mean, I would normally never wear these fashion diva clothes that I get to, but I'm oddly excited by that. This whole thing is such an exciting and new experience.

Now I guess I'll go read some more and try to get through another book before bed (though I'll probably break for my weekly session of Ghost Whisperer and Moonlight).

Feeling a bit odd,

Tay

Another Audition; A Different Me

Well, I just finished writing and editing the second chapter of The Spirit Sisters, however, I'm going to give it one more look over tomorrow before I post it. I promise it will be ready to be viewed by Monday morning.

Okay, so that's all about the new site, let's talk about my auditions on Monday. That's right, Winter One Acts are almost over (two more weeks) and the Spring Play is underway (I totally didn't mean to rhyme). It's called the Odd Couple and our school is putting on both a male and female version. My audition is on Monday and I've already got a monologue picked out and shakily memorized. I just have to dedicate tomorrow to rehearsing it and I'll be set! It's weird, though, because I'm not as nervous for these auditions as I was for One Acts and I can't figure out why. Maybe it's because I have experience now or that I feel more comfortable acting, but none of those reasons seem right. I don't know, maybe I'm just being weird. It wouldn't be the first time.

I'm babysitting my brother tonight and have no idea what we're going to do. He'll want to play the Wii or some other video game, which is okay, but they tend to give me a headache after a while.

I got to go shopping today too. I got a sketch book for my Photojournalism class and then spent the last hour and a half cutting pics out of magazines to glue into it. I'm really excited about this class and can't wait to start using my cameras.

So that's me. After having the worst week ever, I think I'm having a pretty good weekend.

Loving the feeling of being home alone to gather my thoughts,

Tay

Old Exams and New Classes

So yes, I have come up with an idea, which, weirdly enough, I came up with in the shower yet AGAIN. That place is magic apparently. Or just the hiding place of the plot bunny. Either one.

So comments would be VERY appreciated. Even views or reads.... or ANYTHING! Come on people. You don't want me to beg, do you?

So enough about the new site, let's talk about exam results.

Let's just say that I did okay, but not great. All B's so far, and I still haven't gotten World Studies or Science back. I thought that was okay until I came home from school today and told my father, who didn't really even react, and then told my mother and basically bantered with her about my studying habits, and so yeah. I'm not exactly in the best mood right now, and it doesn't help that it's a full moon and my whole astronological clock is WAY out of wack, causing me to lash out at people and sink into a lull that won't seem to go away.

So lets just say that I really don't want to cry right now, so I'm just going to stop writing about this. New topic.

How about my new classes? Well, first is my new Study Hall, which sux btw. I don't sit my any of my A+ buddies, so I'm lonely and loveless. The only bright side is that I do sit by one of my French buddies from last year, so I'm not completely alone. I still felt lonely, though.

So then I had a different lunch period. It was actually better than I'd expected, but, again, because of my wacked astronological clock, I was tired and not really in the mood to deal with the drama that normally goes along with lunch. The bright side is that I'm the only girl (it IS a bright side, believe me), so that way I don't have to worry about more drama. Believe me, I get enough of that on my own.

Lastly, I had a new Photo Journalism class. I'm looking forward to making these journals my new teacher talked about, but I'm very lonely in that class. No one I'm close to is in that class and I'm going to be alone. Fun, but maybe it's a good thing that I have a class all to myself without anyone there to remind me of my dramatic and stressful life. Can you tell that I'm a little down right now? I guess my optimism goes out the window after having a day like mine.

Yeah, so that's me. I was just cheered up by my friend, though, who complimented some pics of mine, so I feel a bit better, but I could still use some chocolate if anyone's got any to spare...

Going to go listen to some inspiring lyrics and pray that they help,

Tay

Bringing Back Miss Outspoken Writer (for those of you who knew this blog in its earlier days)

Okay, so I was getting out of the shower and washing my face and brushing my teeth and stuff, and I started thinking. I haven't written in a long time. I'm a writer who hasn't written a true story in at least five months. It then hit me how empty I felt without it. I used to write all the time. And then high school happened. Ask anyone, I would write all the time, and now I don't. Maybe it's lack of time or lack of energy, but I started feeling empty and horrible... And then I had a brilliant idea.

I'm going to start writting again, and I'm thinking (and only thinking, people, don't get excited yet) that maybe, maybe, I'll actually make another blog/website, but have it all be random installments of one of my stories! Now, keep in mind that I would have to brainstorm a really fantastic plot line in order to do this and that it might end up being a couple weekly installments, and then a couple of monthly installments, but I think I could possibly do it. I don't currently know for sure if I'm going to do it, but I would like to know everyone's opinions on the subject.

So now, without further ado, I think I'm going to go and start writting down one of my many thought bubbles. Maybe if enough people comment on this, I'll post it here! Hey, I've done it before (check MUCH earlier entries), and I might do it again, even if this whole idea doesn't work out.

Feeling inspired,

Tay

Exams, Exams, and More Exams

I feel so burnt out right now that it's not even a little bit funny. I truely just want to crawl under the covers and stay there for the rest of my life.

Yesterday's exams went okay. Turns out Health was my hardest and I got a B on it (he told us), so I should at least get B's on the rest of the ones I took yesterday. Today I just have French, which I'm praying is mostly multiple choice and matching...

I'm terrified for tomorrow, though. Geometry shouldn't be impossible, but Science might be. I HATE Science with a burning passion and I don't understand hardly anything. I'm going to have to study my butt off tonight just to pass. Wish me luck.

I'm getting a migrane just thinking about all of this.

On a short fuse this morning,

Tay

I Want A Nap

I can hardly keep my eyes open at almost four in the afternoon. Something's seriously wrong here. I have been working for the past two hours and am really, really, really tired. Seriously, I think I'm going to go take a nap soon.

Exams are three days away and I'm going to be working my butt off until that point, so why can't I take a three hour nap until dinner??? Because I've got to study for PRE EXAMS FOR TOMORROW!!! The next twenty minutes are the only break I'm giving myself before I go back to the books. *yawns so big her mouth hurts* By the time this is all over, I'm going to be so tired that I'll probably fall asleep in the middle of an exam, and then I'll be screwed over for life. Great. No pressure or anything.

Plus, it doesn't help that I got, like, NO sleep last night b/c of my stupid cough. I swear, I've had it for like three weeks now, and it's STILL not going away. According to my mom, it could last another three weeks. Great.

The only plus side right now is that my favorite movie is on cable tonight at six. I'm recording it b/c of course I'll be too busy either studying, helping with dinner, or eating dinner to actually watch it. Thankfully I'm planning on stopping all of my madness at eight to watch it. Yeah, I'm going to crawl into a sweatshirt and sweat pants and curl up in a ball with a gallon of rainbow sherbert and probably sob my way through half of it (it's a very sad movie).

So. Yeah. That's my current situation. I'm also incredably alone right now b/c my parents had to take my bro to his b-ball game and I had to stay home and study. My only companion is my dog, who is currently curled up around my feet, trying to keep them warm (I never wear socks, so my feet are always freezing). So comments would be appreciated.

Slowly entering a dream world,

Tay

Work, Rehersal, and Pep Band

Okay, so at work two days ago, my boss actually offered to have me teach my own class (for those of you who don't know, I help teach swim lessons every Thursday)!!! It was a class of mostly three to five year olds and they were SOOOO CUTE!!! I ended up spliting the class with another teacher b/c there were like ten of them and no one can handle ten kids on their own, but it was so much fun! I think pretty soon I'm going to get my own class to instruct without anyone's help and I'm so looking forward to it. I LOVE my job and am not planning on leaving any time soon!

On another note, yesterday I had the longest day ever. After school, I had rehersal for One Acts, and one of my friends wasn't planning on going, but apparently my goading and our other friend's goading finally persuaded him to go, so my father and I gave him a ride. But before we could go to rehersal, we had to go pick up my brother from school, which ment going inside our old elementary school. You should have seen him. We had so much fun commenting on how cute and small everything was and I swear we squealed at least fifty times! Then, we finally got out of there and to rehersal at our director's house. After a quick snack, we headed down into her basement to start rehersing and had a lot of fun. I had only been to one rehersal before that, and at my first one I had been nervous and a little intimidated, but at this one, I felt a lot more comfortable. Maybe it was the fact that everyone was there or that I had pretty much memorized my lines, but I felt a lot better. Anyway, so after two hours of rehersed cat fights, screaming, hugging, fainting, and arm movements, I had to get picked up early to go to pep band. Fun, right? Not really. By this time, I was tired, had a minor headache, and my wisdom teeth had started to ache for no reason. But I didn't even get to go home before pep band, nope, I had to go straight there. And this wasn't any old pep band, either, no of course not. It was a double header! First a girl's basketball game, and then a boy's. I basically spend the whole night talking to my flutest friend and pretty much lost my voice after that.

When I got home last night, I was dead on my feet, hadn't eaten anything since lunch, and could barely stand. I had fun, it was just the longest possible day ever.

Now, at around two, I'm going to pick up my friend and we're going to go to the library with our study group and work on a stupid english project that's due right when exams are over. Don't get me started on how wrong this is, or I will seriously just ramble on more than I already am.

Feeling like skipping down the street,

Tay

Exams And Everything That Goes Along With Them

Okay, so I officially HATE exams. In about fifteen minutes, I have to make a three page cheat sheet for my World Studies class, which is going to take FOREVER. I also have to make flashcards, though I don't really remember what for (which could cause a bit of a problem).

I missed a drama club meeting after school because I was so tired and distracted that I completely blanked, and didn't remember until my dad brought it up a half hour after it had ended.

I also had three quizzes and a test today. The test I actually think I did okay on, the first quiz I pretty much failed (but we take three a week, so they're really not worth much), the second quiz I actually aced, and the third quiz I honestly have no idea how I did on. In all reality, I'm pretty nervous about it, but I'm at least sure I passed.

And (if you can believe there's more), I didn't sleep well at all because of this stupid cough I've had for the past week. Instead of going away like I thought it would, it's just getting worse (I'll go into random fits now, and not be able to stop no matter how much water I drink) and now it's costing me sleep. I finally let my dad call the doctor, so I've officially declared war. Oh, it's on, bacteria, it's on.

So that's pretty much my day so far. I know, nothing positive, but it's hard to find positivity when you're too preoccupied with the pressure of exams. Hmm... something positive to say... how about the fact that I laughed today? That's positive, right? I mean, I always laugh in Science class (Jim and Claire know why, especially today). Ah, the wonder that is ninth period. It reminds me of my double period of social studies last year. Good times, good times...

Suddenly missing the simplicity of eighth grade,

Tay

Long Awaited Update

I'm sooooooooooo sorry I haven't updated in forever! It's just I've had other things to do and tons of stuff on my mind to deal with. Not that anything has really gotten accomplished or any of my thoughts sorted out, but you know, I felt bad about lack of updates!

So here's my current story; I was walking home from the bus stop with tons of books not only in my backpack, but also in my arms b/c I'm supposed to prepare for exams this weekend and get myself organized. So I'm walking, and normally the walk isn't that long, but normally I don't have fifty pounds on my back and another fifty pounds in my arms, so I'm walking slowly and my arms are killing me. So I'm halfway there, and I slip on a patch of ice and fall onto the street. I swear I pulled at least ten muscles and got a nice sized bruise on my hip and another on my knee. I'm then half tempted just to frickin' leave everything there and just limp home without my homework, but I know that I can't, so I have to heave myself up back onto my feet, with my backpack still on my back, and my books still in my arms. By the time I got home, my arms were trembling from the weight and my legs were about ready to give out, but I finally made it through the door and I pretty much just dumped it all on the staircase. I haven't even changed out of my boots yet, I just hobbled to the computer.

So that was my most recent story. Trust me, there's more where that came from.

Let's talk about exams and my schedual for this weekend. I have to work pretty much nonstop, making flash cards for everything and taking notes on what I need to study for each subject. Six exams. Six subjects. Six sets of notes. At LEAST six sets of flash cards. And the sucky part is that I can't NOT study or my parents will kill me and I can't procrastinate this stuff or I will never be able to pass, and THEN my parent's will kill me. So either, I go through this torture this weekend and get it over with, or get grounded from now until my birthday. I think you know which one I'm going to choose.

So I guess I won't be able to post all weekend, but come Monday, I'll continue to keep you updated (if I'm still alive by then).

Dreading walking again,

Tay

PS; A big happy birthday shout out to my brother! Eleven years old this Sunday!

PPS; Did I mention that Saturday night and Sunday morning will be filled with four fifth grade boys laughing and screaming and running everywhere? Bring on the Asprin...

It's Not A Hangover, I Promise

I had so much fun last night, but now I feel sick to my stomach and I don't think I can even talk. I also have the beginnings of a headache and don't really feel like studying, even though I know I have to otherwise I'll pretty much just die later. So.....

Last night, details, right... Okay, so my friends and I had kinda like a party, only it was only four of us. We played Guitar Hero III and danced to funky music and had this strobe light thing going on.... it was fun. I didn't end up sleeping until two last night, but hey, I missed them all a lot so it was good to see them again.

I should probably run through my script today as well as study.... ug.... truthfully and honestly, I just want to go back to bed......

About ready to say 'screw it all!',

Tay

PS; HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!